Finite Dreams

I am well

2009-07-03T14:04:00.002+08:00

My sudden moment of insanity has passed. I am okay now. I think I just panicked a few weeks ago when I had to be confined in the hospital due to health reasons. I'm doing much better now, and I had a lot of chances to think about a lot of things. Honestly, it's not so bad to be where I am right now. I'm not saying this is the forever kind of thing, but it will do for the meantime. I just wish God would tell me where to go next. I get signs along the way, but I just can't seem to make sense of all the clues.

Hopefully, things will be clearer within this year.

The Insane Rambling Post

2009-05-08T13:11:00.003+08:00

Again I find myself facing a familiar pattern in my life...

Anyway, I made my choice months ago and I don't regret it. I knew back then it was the wrong decision for me personally, but the right decision for a whole lot of other people involved.

But then, there are limits to selflessnes. Hmm....come to think of it, that doesn't really make sense.

This post is me trying to make sense of the millions of thoughts running through my head right now...

Where to live? Where to work? What to do? Where is the old risk-taking me who wasn't afraid of the unknown? Did motherhood change me? Did marriage change me?

I can no longer make decisions without having to negotitiate with the other party who will be affected in a deeply profound way. I never let his decisions affect mine, but why does he react differently when I make my decisions? To him, everything is a conjunction. To me, I'm still living a separate life that just happened to get hooked up to someone else's life.... Probably the reasons why we've had clashes for about a week now.

Nothing to worry about though. I'm not breaking up with my husband. I think we're just going through the natural progression of growing up as people. We don't love each other less, we're just trying our best to understand where each one is coming from. We're talking about it. I have to learn how to give a little more. I have to learn that my life is no longer made up of 1 piece of luggage and 1 shelf of books.

Who I am I to say what he has to learn. I don't want to assume I know what is right or wrong. I guess he's figuring that out himself as well.....

It's clear to me. I want to continue working. I just don't want to continue working in the same place. I can't move on though unless I let go. Where I am right now represents security. I can't open myself up to possibilities unless I let go of the dry ground I'm hanging on to. That's why I'm leaving. I don't think a vacation will fix this because I already did that and when I came back the same problems were still there. I stayed as long as I could, fixed as much as I could. But then, someone should carry on and I think I've done as much as I could already...

Sorry if this post doesn't make sense....In a few days, things will get clearer and I'll post something saner...

Choices

2009-02-05T13:30:00.000+08:00

I have long wanted to write a post about choices. I guess I've been reading my other friend's blogs and a lot of them are in the same stage as I am right now where they are starting a family, raising a young child and trying to find the balance between having a career and keeping a marriage together. It's interesting to see the dynamics of how each family works.

I admit that my life is not the typical setup. Let me go out and say it. I am the sort of person whom you would hate to work with in the office. I am competitive and will do almost anything to get to the top of the pack. Honestly, I don't know where that came from. I used to be so nice back in high school and college. Then when I started working, ambition consumed me. In my early 20's, I was always the youngest in whatever job I was doing.

Then as most of you know, at 26 I got burned out. I took a break and went back to work only when it became necessary. I thought that by then I had changed. For some reason though, I fell into the same pattern and starting rushing through life again and pushing people along the way.

Then at 28, out of the blue, I had a kid. It was never a priority, but when it came, I was happy and didn't regret a single moment of it. The doctors I went to, told me I was lucky I had a baby when technically, it should have been difficult for me to conceive. For me, it was a greater miracle that I gave birth to her normally and that she turned out to be such a happy, smart baby considering the environment I was in and the schedule I kept was not conducive at all to conceiving.

After I gave birth, I made sort of a decision to slow down. I decided not to try out for a higher position because like what I told my husband, my current job already gave me very little time as it was for the family, what more if I had decided at that point to pursue that next role.

Today, my daughter is 2 years old. I am still working weird hours. In fact, my life is even crazier now because I have expanded my responsibility. When we eventually recover from this fucked up financial crisis, I know I will be ready to look for another opportunity to grow in my career.

Do I want to go for the next big thing? I would be honest and say yes. Do I realize what I am giving up? I know. How do I feel about it? Honestly, I am confused. Am I ready to give up everything I built up in the last 8 years for the sake of having a normal family life? Not quite yet.

Bryan and I talk about these questions almost everyday. I work because I want our family to have a comfortable life. I work because I want both of us to have the ability to help our original families without question. I work because I don't want to place all the burden on him. Yeah, I know men are supposed to be the provider, blah, blah, blah. But I think the reason why I am happy in my marriage is that we both believe in equal rights and responsibilties. He's so liberal and forward-thinking which is why I respect him. When we first met, my career was way ahead of his, but it was never an issue. He's never asked me to give up my career and I don't think he ever will, which is cool. Right now though, he's asking me to just make 1 change in my life, which is my schedule. It's hard not to see each other for 2 days straight sometimes because both of our schedule.

Eventually I will make that change. I just don't know when. Until then, we have to make the most of what we have for now.

I should have

2008-11-06T09:11:00.003+08:00

The past 2 days have been hard for me. I found out the other day that my daughter was rushed to the hospital because she had a very high fever and had a convulsion. Of course, being half-way across the world. all I could wait was for some news about how she was doing.

She's fine, but the in the last few days, I was thinking, I should have been there for her. I should have been the one bringing her to the hospital. Maybe it's time I went home, but then, it would still take me 2 days to get back.

Then on the flip-side, I thought about it and said to myself, that if I weren't working, she wouldn't have the medical coverage that would allow her to get the best medical care possible.

Continuing Adventures in Middle America

2008-11-02T15:50:00.002+08:00

I've been here in Minnesotta for a week now. I can't sleep so I've decided to tell you about how I spent Holloween here.

Our strategic planning conference ended at noon. Everybody was eager to go home because they all wanted to prepare for their Holloween celebrations. One of my colleagues offered to adopt me for the day. She invited me to go trick or treating with her daughters in her hometown called Shakopee. We got there early enough though. I helped them carve a pumpkin and babysit 3 kids. We had pizza from Papa Murphy's. At around 6 PM, her parents arrive in their ranger which is like a revved up golf cart. Then we started the trick or treat. It was a relatively small neighborhood, but the houses were so far away from each other, we had to pile up in the Ranger and go house to house. From where we were, my hosts pointed out to me the lights of the casino which is run by Native American Indians.

On Saturday, I went shopping with an officemate in this outlet mall in Albertville. I'm really not comfortable shopping with other people, but I am helpless without a car here. I bought Mika a Minnie Mouse dress set from this generic American clothes shop. I got a nice blazer from this this place called Dress Barn. I bought Bryan a very metrosexual outfit from Gap. Then I also bought myself 2 pairs of shoes from Rockport. I wish I could have gone around more, but my companion was in a bit of a hurry. It was a weekend and I told her I didn't want to impose on her, so we went home early.

I'm just going to hibernate at home tomorrow. I already did my laundry so I'll probably sleep for the rest of the day.

Day 3 - 4

2008-10-30T11:09:00.003+08:00

Yesterday after work, my boss, his wife and I went to PF Changs which is a popular Chinese restaurant in Edina. They were raving about this place because they said the food tastes so good. Duh?!!! It's the blandest American food. I didn't know it was possible to make that happen for Chinese food. We had good red wine though.

Today after our 1st day at the conference center, we went to Jake O' Connors which is an Irish pub. I had a glass of Guiness, fish and chips and a bottle of red wine. I love dark beer.

Got home a little bit late which is 9:30. Have to sleep a little bit earlier today. Tomorrow, one of my colleagues Brady is coming to pick me up from my hotel so we can have an early start for Chaska, which is where the conference center is located.

Funny, but I think I am beginning to like this place.... I don't think I'll be able to adapt to the NASCAR, gun-toting, red state culture, but I think overall, it's been a good trip.

Day 2

2008-10-28T15:10:00.003+08:00

Busy, busy, busy. This time around, I have much more to do on my trip. Thank God the weather got better tonight so it was actually possible for me to go out without freezing. I like Fall in general.

My bosses took me to this restaurant in St. Paul. I wish I could've taken pictures because that area we went to had all the old mansions that we usually see in American movies. Minneapolis is more modern and fast-paced, but St. Paul is charming because it has more character to it.

I went to this pub called the Happy Gnome and had 1 of the dark beers. Then we went to this Italian restaurant which served pretty good food. I had chicken cacciatore and ravioli with lamb. Then I had a bottle of Tuscany wine. Great thing about the people I work with, they all like going home early, so by 9 PM, I was back in my hotel.

I love travelling. I guess there's always going to be this part of me that will want to get out and see the world alone every once in a while. I still want to go home though, but short trips are fine. I'm beginning to like this place. It's nice, clean and quiet. Anyway, I have to be back here by May for a conference. If the weather stays like this through the weekend, I'm actually going to Target to do some shopping.

Beastly Weather

2008-10-27T10:26:00.004+08:00

Brrr....it was snowing and raining when I arrived here around lunchtime. The weather is so much like how I imagined Wuthering Heights. The moment I got out of the plane, I was shocked by how cold it was, I couldn't breathe. Luckily, I had my asthma medication with me.

Wow. I only realized now that I will be here during the US elections. I'll also be here during Holloween. I'll get to go trick or treating with the kids here. One of my colleagues is adopting me for Holloween so I don't have to be alone.

As for my hotel, it's okay. Just a little creepy. I haven't seen any other guests. I swear. Minnesotta is like serial killer country.

Quick Updates

2008-10-22T15:45:00.003+08:00

So what's been up with me in the last few months that I never blogged about?

- I finally made up my mind. Yes. I will be leaving my present company and transferring to a new company this January. Same job, same people, same shit. I'll just be working for a different corporate entity now. What happened to my client was, instead of outsourcing, they've decided to put up an in-house shared services center here in Manila.

- I watched the one-night-only Eraserheads concert in the Fort. Brought back my college memories. The best thing was I watched it with Bryan!:) We were in the SVIP section right which was the closest you could get to the stage.

- I turned 30 last September 18. Thanks to everyone who remembered. I'll probably post more thoughts about this in the next few weeks.

- One of my childhood friends Annie is getting married next year. She came home briefly this October so we could work on the wedding details. I'm going to be one of the bridesmaids.

- Despite being asked the question close to a million times as to when, I am still nowhere close to getting married in church. It's not because I am unhappy with Bryan, we just don't think it's the right time yet. For all intents and purposes anyway, we are married legally. My daughter is legitimate under Philippine law and we are doing okay as a family.

- I'll probably have time to write more posts while I am stuck in serial killer country next for the next 2 weeks. Please pray it doesn't snow yet.

Mika's 2nd birthday

2008-10-22T12:19:00.002+08:00

My daughter Mika just turned 2 years old yesterday. Since I am going to leave for Minnesotta this Sunday, we sort of decided not to have a birthday party for her. That didn't mean though that I wasn't going to find a way to celebrate it.

We decided to have a dinner for her together with Bryan's family. We just went to Megamall and ate at Mannangs which is one of Bryan and mine's favorite restaurants. Afterwards, we made her go on all the kiddie rides she wanted to try out and ended up chasing her through most of the mall.

I was craving for Krispy Kreme donuts and coffee so we went to their branch on the 1st floor of Megamall Bldg. B. When the staff found out that it was Mika's birthday, they surprised us by giving her a special donut with chocolate icing with the words "Happy Birthday Mika!" written on it. They even played Happy Birthday on their radio and came out with balloons. I swear that really made my day!

I'm really going to miss my baby girl when I leave for 2 weeks. Of course I'm going to miss Bryan too.

Dilemma

2008-09-15T12:43:00.000+08:00

I've been living with a dilemma for the past few weeks now. I am faced with a choice between being responsible and being happy. Before I got married, I was the sort of person who always chose happiness above responsibility without regard for the consequences of my action. Now that I'm a little older and wiser though, it's actually hard for me to let go of my duty. People have been telling me to choose my happiness, but I told them, it's not as simple as that. There a lot of other factors to consider in my decision. It's not just about me now. Thinking about this though is probably the reason why I've been sick for the last 2 weeks now. That's how affected I am with this situation.

Scared

2008-09-15T12:37:00.003+08:00

In a little over a month from now, I will be going on a 2-week business trip to the US. This is going to be the 1st time since we got married that I will be away from Bryan for more than a day. This is also going to be the first time when I have to leave my little girl, Mika. A part of me is a bit scared and guilty knowing that Mika is too young to be going through this sort of thing, but at the same time, I know this is part of my job. This will not be the last time as well since I am again scheduled to go back in April. Sigh...

I know I am never going to stop being a career woman, and I'm lucky to be living with someone who accepts that wholeheartedly. I'll try to keep the travelling to just 1 trip a year though. I don't want to miss out on the best years of Mika's childhood.

2008-05-03T14:58:00.002+08:00

There is such a thing as a lot of work and too much work. Right now, I think I'm really, really overloaded.

My schedule is so full these days, I stay minimum of 12 hours in the office.

Now if all I had to do was work, then I'd be fine. Except that there so much politics going on in the office and half the time people don't know what they're talking about.

2008-05-01T12:51:00.002+08:00

It's 12 noon in Manila and I'm not yet asleep. That's because I have a new toy. For the longest time, I've avoided getting an Internet connection at home because I promised never to work at home. Recent circumstances though are forcing me again to stay in the office minimum of 12 hours everyday. So in order to give me a chance to work shorter hours in the office, Bryan bought me the new SMART Broadband Prepaid Internet kit. So far it's great! It's fast and I can access my office email. Plus since it's Prepaid, no need to submit documents. You get the modem, reload it with credits like a cellphone account and then you can start surfing.

This means, I finally have a chance to update my blog more regularly and not get hassled by the office firewall.:) Hee hee

Reading List

2008-03-25T03:10:00.002+08:00

I've always loved to read books eversince I was a kid. I remember I was the favorite of the nuns who used to run our library in grade school because I would make sure to borrow a book a day. It didn't matter what type of book it was. It could be a children's novel, a science book or a book on ancient history. I had a hard time focusing on my school books, but I had no problem reading about ancient Mayan civilization.

In a way, my taste in reading materials made me a snob. I used to look down on my batchmates who would read Sweet Valley High or Sweet Dreams. Not that the stuff I was reading was useful for real life, but I enjoyed the fact that I was different and saw myself as more advanced than the rest of my class. In reality though, I was just an average student. I got respectable grades, but never really # 1 in my class.

In any case, when I started working, my reading list shrank down to 0. I would be too tired from work everyday, so I never really had time to read anymore. Except when I lived in Singapore for a year, I managed to read at lest 2 books every week. That was because I had to commute to and from work at least an hour everyday.

Recently though, I found myself jumpstarting my reading habit again. In the last month, I managed to finish the Dark Matetials trilogy of Philip Pullman (The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass). I would have started months ago except that they ran out of copies of The Golden Compass just before the movie came out in December. Then, 2 weeks ago, I found out that my favorite author, Louis De Bernieres, released a new novel called "A Partisan's Daughter".

I fell in love with the Dark Materials trilogy because it presents a different way of looking at life, death, knowledge and existence. He challenges the beliefs that have been imposed on us because of the circumstances of our birth. He dares to ask questions that most of us would only whisper about. After reading the book, I think they had a pretty good cast for the movie version of "The Golden Compass", but the story is too omplex, I don't think it would ever translate well on film Plus, it should never be marketed as a children's movie unless they want to film a watered down version of the books.

A Partisan's Daughter is a weak novel compared to all the previous works of Louis De Bernieres. There are only 2 main characters interacting in the novel most of the time and the historical backdrop isn't as fleshed out as it is in "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" or "Birds Without Wings". It makes for good light reading though and is a cautionary tale for people who keep giving up their dreams in exchange for stability and for married couples who have begun to take their marriage for granted.

I'll try to get this momentum going. Hopefully, I can finish at least a book a week.

2008-03-12T05:46:00.001+08:00

Again I find myself at another crossroad in my life. Currently paralyzed by indecision, I do not know which path to take. Both offer limitless possibilities because as I’ve always believed, "Life is what you make it." I’m just scared of the unknown right now. I’ve become complacent with the certainty that things happen when they should happen. But there’s this voice at the back of my head saying, "I thought this was a temporary arrangement? Wasn’t this just supposed to be a rest stop before the next big thing?" Again, I made the mistake of giving up too much because I always fall too hard.

Now if only I was talking about a real relationship, my sentiments would be understandable. I’m actually talking about work. Now that’s just sad.:(

2008-01-02T11:44:00.000+08:00

I'm at an Internet cafe uploading some pictures for my Friendster account. Notice how there are way too many social networking sites right now? There's Friendster, Multiply, and Facebook (which I'm having a bit of difficulty using right now). Whatever happened to meeting your friends for coffee? It seems we get all our news online nowadays. I notice whenever I meet up with my high school friends, our gossip would always be what we read about our other acquaintances on Friendster. I first saw my good friend's fiance on her Multiply site. For my friends from other countries, I keep in touch with them through Facebook.

Waiting

2007-11-23T17:07:00.000+08:00

Sigh...here I am in another Internet cafe waiting for my husband to finish one of his meetings again.

It's Thanksgiving holiday in the US. Since our office works US office hours, if it's a holiday in the US, we get a holiday too!:) I was looking forward to some quality time with my baby girl, Mika, but I had to run some chores in Makati. Bryan decides he wants to spend some quality time with me so he brings me with him to Manila, leaves me in the mall, then goes off to his meeting which will probably last 2 hours. Do the math.

So here I am whiling away my time surfing useless sites, updating my blog, checking out Friendster, Facebook, etc. I'm not in the mood to go shopping because I don't have my Christmas bonus yet.

Am I ranting? Sort of. Am I mad? Not really. My husband's working. I guess this is what bored housewives go through everyday. THANK GOD I HAVE A CAREER!!!

My Love Story

2007-11-15T17:20:00.000+08:00

I don't think I've ever written about how I met Bryan in my blog before or why I ended upo with him in the first place. I've been meaning to for a long time now, but I guess I just never found the time (oldest excuse in the world!).

I've known Bryan since I was in college. I met him in first year because of a common friend. I never noticed him though because he wasn't my type and I never spoke to him because I felt he belonged to a crowd in school I would have never wanted to interact with. I was a scholar in a rich kid's haven and I was always insecure about talking to people outside of the scholars' circle. Call it reverrse snobbery, but I just didn't want to burden myself with trying to fit in with everyone else.

I would run into him every so often especially when I was looking for my friend. All I ever remembered about him was asking him if he knew where our friend was especially if there was a group project we needed to work on. Until we graduated none of our conversations ever went beyond 3 sentences.

I started working after college. He went to law school. For some reason, our paths would still cross once in a while because our common friends. I still never spoke to him though. I'd just say, "Hi!" and move on to someone else.

The years went on, and our common friend decided to get married. We were both invited and he decided that since I didn't know anyone at his wedding except for Bryan, he asked Bryan to look out for me and keep me entertained. In the end, I ran into someone I knew there, so there was no chance I would notice him.

During the reception though, Bryan took his job seriously. He kept talking to me and asking me questions. At one point, I was getting really annoyed with him because I felt he was invading my privacy. He actually asked me, "Do you have a boyfriend?". At that time, I really wasn't with anyone, but I didn't see why it should be anyone's business what my status was.

I was already planning to leave without getting noticed, when he saw me and asked me how I was going home. I was just planning to get a cab and go to another party that day when he offered to drive me to my house instead. I did admit I was tired. I hadn't had any sleep yet, so I accepted the offer.

On the way home, we started talking...about college, about our friends and somehow we clicked. I realized that everything I thought about him was wrong. He wasn't a snob. He wasn't arrogant and he was down to earth. Plus, he was interesting because he wasn't shallow like the typical guy. Plus, he didn't take himself too seriously either.

We started going out after that. First as friends, but when we realized we were happiest when we were together, we made our relationship formal. 1 year later, we got married. No one expected it, least of all me. Now I look back at everything and I still laugh when I remember how many years it took us to finally find each other. I don't want to get all mushy and start talking about fate and religion. I guess it was just meeting the rignt person at the right time.

Killing Time

2007-11-15T17:09:00.000+08:00

I'm killing time in an Internet cafe while waiting for my husband to finish his work. I would have gone home earlier except that there's a sudden downpour here in Manila that's caused most of the streets to be flooded. As usual, it's hard to get a cab. So rather than waste my time negotiating with evil cabbies, I just decided to spend my time here in the Internet cafe. I've run out of websites to surf, so I finally decided to do something I haven't done in more than a year now, which is to update my blog.

So what's happened since my last post....

1) I have a daughter now named Mika Elizabeth
2) She's 1 year old and already walking
3) I'm still at the same company with the same job. Gosh, it's been almost 3 years now.
4) I lost any semblance of a social life because of my work
5) I do take more holidays now because of my family
6) My life is boring because it's so normal

I would'nt complain about the last item though. I guess it's okay and after all the dysfunction in my early 20's, I do need a break. I guess there's just this small part of me that's wanting to look for new adventure. Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of leaving my family and becoming a nomad again. I'm just looking for something new to learn. Maybe it might mean going back to school or getting a new job, but I'm having a little bit of difficulty starting over. Is age finally catching up with me? I hope not!:)

Insomnia Attack

2006-07-26T14:23:00.000+08:00

I've always been an insomniac. I can't seem to sleep when I should. Today I'm in an Internet cafe at 2 PM when I have work later at 8 PM. Damn. Sleep is the one thing I can't seem to enjoy. I think I'll go home now and try to get some rest.

Must be the stress at work that is catching up with me now....

Married Life

2006-06-15T13:48:00.000+08:00

They say that married life brings out the worst in people. You get to see each other's weird habits and being together constantly brings you to a point when you would be totally annoyed at each other. There are so many jokes and so many horror stories about it, it's a real wonder why some people still bother to get married.

In my case, everyday that I spend with Bryan makes me realize how lucky I am to be with him. I found the person who can read my mind before I say anything, who knows me so well that he surprises me with the simplest of things and who is open-minded enough to be a modern husband.

I think it also helps that we work in different time zones but live in the same geographical area. So every weekend when I finally spend quality time with him, I really just cherish every moment. We don't have time to fight except when my pregnancy mood-swings come out. Of course there will be ups and downs to this, but I have no regrets so far.

Surnames

2006-06-15T13:38:00.000+08:00

I always knew that if ever I got married, I would either retain my surname or hyphenate it. I recently filled out the forms to update my civil status and name. I insisted that moving forward all official records will still contain my mother's surname and will have my hyphenated surname. Sometimes I still get this surprised look from people who can't understand why a girl with 5 names will want to add another one to the list. I don't know, I guess I'm really just attached to my mother and I don't want to let go of her memory. At the same time, I am attached to my name because I've had that for the last 26 years, why give it up now?

Well, I'll just have to be patient with explaining to hospital nurses/ government agencies why I have 2 surnames put together. It's still not as commonly accepted here in the Philippines unlike in other countries where women get to retain their names. I always wondered why we have to take on the man's surname in the first place? It's tradition, but it's a practice I've always questioned. The best compromise for now really is just to add it. It's just a bummer if you have really long name.

Finally....

2006-05-29T14:05:00.000+08:00

I finally did it. Despite having a panic attack during the ceremony itself, I got married last Friday, May 26, 2006. It was a really small affair that was planned in under 2 weeks. I've just been so busy with work, neither Bryan or I were really able to give it any thought until the last minute.

I guess it was easier because it was only a civil ceremony so that cuts down the time spent on church seminars and other church requirements. Plus, we only rented a small function room in a condominuim for the reception. There was no program, just a dinner where we got to catch up with all our friends. Since we've only been together for under a year, a lot of his friends were meeting me for the first time and a lot of my friends got to talk to Bryan for the first time. I thought that was kind of funny.

No bouquet tosses, no professional photographers, no doves and all those other wedding reception rituals. I liked it that way...simple but meaningful. It wasn't a perfect wedding, but I loved every minute of it.

So here begins a new phase in my life. Thanks to all my friends who showed up despite the last minute notice and my apologies for those I wasn't able to invite because I didn't have your cell numbers. Don't worry, there's still the church wedding in 2 years. I'll make sure you'll all be there the next time.

Next up on my list, the baby's arrival in a few months....

4-Somes

2006-04-17T14:47:00.000+08:00

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life:
1. customer service representative
2. relationship/account manager
3. sales consultant
4. trainer

Four Films I Can Watch Over And Over Again (in no particular order):
1. sense and sensibility
2. the english patient
3. four weddings and a funeral
4. 50 first dates

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. barangka, marikina
2. loyola heights, quezon city
3. simei, singapore
4. guadalupe, makati

Four TV Programs I Love To Watch:
1. nip/tuck
2. law and order
3. csi
4. rome (on hbo)

Four Places I Would Have Visited, If I Had The Money:
1. venice, italy
2. paris, france
3. san francisco, us
4. australia

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
1. yahoo
2. hotmail
3. news websites
4. friendster

Four Of My Favorite Foods:
1. adobo
2. chicharon
3. sushi
4. ginataang pork

Four Places I Would Rather Be: (right now?)
1. at home watching cable
2. at the office checking my email (workaholic talaga!!!!)
3. at the mall, having lunch
4. in my room, resting

Four Bloggers I Am Tagging (in no particular order):
1. carol
2. mcoy
3. lucy
4. eric

A New Phase

2006-04-17T14:34:00.000+08:00

A lot of things have been happening recently in my life. I'm going to get married in May and I'm going to have a baby in November. The baby came a little bit earlier than expected, but doctors have been telling me how lucky I am to have a child considering I have a condition that should have made it difficult for me to conceive in the first place. I'm not complaining. In fact, I'm welcoming all the changes. Actually, I'm really lucky because I don't have morining sickness. I can still work normally as long as I don't get too stressed.

Bryan and I just moved to our new place this Easter Sunday. It's been a really hectic month for me because I've been trying to balance the doctor's check-ups, marriage preparations, looking for a new place and my own career. It's really tough and it takes a lot of commitment. I'm really just soooo lucky that Bryan's been very supportive of my own decisions, especially when it comes to my work.

Back in Manila

2006-03-14T16:38:00.000+08:00

I'm finally back home after a month of utter boredom in Minnesotta. So it's back to work, but this time, my responsibilities suddenly multiplied by a hundred times. Sigh. Anyway, gotta go back to my old life and start something new out of it.

1 Week to Go..

2006-03-06T13:08:00.000+08:00

My month in Minnesotta is almost finished! I'm excited to be going home! I found out something today though, but I can't share it on my blog yet. When I'm ready, I'll let you know. ;)

The Oscars

2006-03-06T12:41:00.000+08:00

Every year, if I had to take one day off from work, it would always be on on the first Monday of March. For a workaholic like me, taking time-off is a big thing. What would actually be the one thing in the world that would make me go on leave in the first place? That would be the telecast of the Oscar cermonies.

Ever since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated by film. The first movie I ever saw was "ET". According to my Mom, I was bawling the whole time I was watching it. Another movie I remember watching as a child was "The Empire Strikes Back". I had difficulty sleeping for a few days because Darth Vader sacred the hell out of me. My parents never made me sleep early because in order to spend more time with me, they would watch movies with me. My sister as part of my education would also play an active part in choosing the films I would watch.

Because of the love I developed for the movies, I ended up looking forward every year to watching the Oscars. I wanted to see if the movies I was watching would hold up to the standards of the bigger stage. God knows the Oscars aren't exactly cutting-edge or even the benchmark of good films. Who gets to vote for these things anyway? But I can't deny that I enjoy the spectacle of watching stars get dressed up, rooting for my favorite nominees and watching the overall program.

This year's list of nominees was very political. There were 2 main themes: tolerance for those who are different and the search for truth in a government system that likes to keep secrets. The front runner for this year though was Brokeback Mountain which had 8 nominations. Was it going to win Best Picture? Everybody thought so. What actually happened during the awards ceremony? It lost to Crash.

WETA won all the technical awards this year for King Kong whether it was for sound or visual effects. Go Peter Jackson! He may not have been recognized this year for any major awards, but we know his next film will rock again! Art direction awards went to Memoirs of a Geisha. Adapated Screenplay was given to Brokeback Mountain. Original Screenplay was won by Crash. Ang Lee got the Best Director trophy, which I think he deserves. I loved his work for Sense and Sensibility. Unlike 90% of the population though, I really hated "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". I'm glad he got it this time around. There were no surprises in the Acting categories. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Reese Witherspoon, George Clooney and Rachel Weisz were all previously recognized in other awards ceremonies.

New films will be coming out again. I wonder who will be on the list of nominees next year? Until then, I'll just keep watching movies.

Brokeback Mountain

2006-02-27T07:33:00.002+08:00

After beeing trapped in suburban Minnesotta for the last 2 weeks, I decided I was going to go out on my own and spend my day exactly the way I wanted to. So I went to the mall near my hotel. It's pretty complete because they have a Barnes and Noble, Target and more importantly a movie house.

I decided I was going to watch "Brokeback Mountain" or what has been referred to for the last year as "that gay cowboy movie". I was curious to find out what the buzz was all about or if it was warranted in the first place. Problem was, it started showing in Manila when I had already left which is why I have to watch by myself now in Midewestern America.

Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal play Ennis and Jack. 2 cowboys raised in the tradition of macho America with the rodeos, the tough-boy stance and the drinking. On the surface, they seem like everyone else. Except that both of them develop feelings for each other and have a long-drawn out affair that survives beyond their own marriages to other women, children and work. Jake wants to be with Ennis and build a life with him, but Ennis is consumed by shame and fear which prevents him from ever expressing who he really is.

The story itself is powerful because I believe it can apply to anyone whether you're straight or gay. All the actors give good performances. Heath as Ennis totally captures the inner conflict of the character: the rage, sadness and fear without using so many words. Jake as Jack displays his pain and longing to be with the love of his life. Michelle Williams and even Anne Hathaway play their roles convincingly as the wives of men whom deep in their hearts they know are not really in love with them.

Although the movie itself is good, I found that I could not relate to it on a deep level. Maybe I just wasn't in a proper state of mind that day. But I think the reason why I could not feel it the way I should have is that I could not understand the experience of pining away for someone for years and not doing anything about it. Maybe when I'm a bit older and I've had a lot more experience then I'll be able to appreciate the film better. Don't get me wrong though. It's one movie worth watching.

Badly Missing My Baby

2006-02-20T13:47:00.000+08:00

It's 12 midnight here in Minnesotta and I'm still up watching the marathon reruns of "Law and Order" on the USA cable channel. At the same time, I'm chatting with Bryan who I'm really missing so badly right now.

It's not easy to be apart from him especially since we're used to seeing each other everyday. At least with YM, it's much easier to keep in touch. It's still different though. I wish I was back in Manila to hang out with him in the mall or have Saturday lunch in Ateneo. There's also Mr. Kebab on Quezon Ave. with their really cheap Middle-Eastern food.:)

I miss all the time we would spend in the mall just watching movies, hanging out in Starbucks and going on food trips. I miss how we argue about which restaurant is good or not. I miss how we can go out and have fun with the silliest things. I miss the times when we would just sing all the songs on the Magic Mic.

Anyway, it's just 3 weeks to go and I'll be seeing him again. I can't wait to get home....

Mall of America Trip

2006-02-19T12:30:00.000+08:00

Today I went to the most famous landmark in Minnesotta, the Mall of America. Minnesottans claim that it's the biggest mall in the world. It was one of my officemates who brought me there. When I got there, I really could not understand what the fuss is all about. It's pretty much like any other mall I've been to in the world. It sort of reminds me of the KLCC mall in Malaysia. Except this one has an indoor amusement center with the roller coasters and all other kinds of rides.

What made my day worth it though was that I was able to do most of my shopping already. I bought most of the gourmet chocolate I planned on buying for most of the people back home. Plus the Bath and Body Works stuff requested by my team leaders.:)

I was hoping to watch a movie, but they didn't have Brokeback Mountain showing there. Plus, there weren't any movies worth spending $ 6.50 on. Oh well, maybe I'll try going to the Eden Prairie Center which is much closer my house.

blog find

2006-02-19T00:56:00.000+08:00

While waiting for my officemate before my trip to the Mall of America, I decided to go bloghopping. I found an interesting bit of information on Kawso's blog. It's a link to a internet radio station which is easier to use than Yahoo launchcast: Pandora. Check it out.

Dancing With the Stars

2006-02-17T09:25:00.000+08:00

Since we are expecting freezing temperatures for this weekend, I've been stuck in the hotel most of the time. I pretty much feel like a hibernating bear. I've probably been gaining a lot of weight, but I don't even want to think about it anymore.

So here I am stuck with American television. I've been channel surfing aimlessly and I ran into this show called "Dancing with the Stars". It features B or C stars who perform ballroom and latin dances. Afterwards, they get to face a panel of 3 judges who give out their comments. Then of course, a staple of American reality TV, the audience gets to vote.

Well, since I got to the semifinals already, the dancers left are pretty okay except for the former football player. He really sucks. He only got to stay because of the audience vote.

Next on my viewing list: CSI, then later Law and Order.

Alone, Sick and Insane in Suburban Minnesotta

2006-02-16T09:53:00.000+08:00

It's been 4 days since I arrived in Minnesotta and I'm already going insane. I'm sick and alone in my hotel room right now downloading email from Manila.

It's cold and freezing in this place. Tomorrow we're expecting to have 0 degrees Farenheit! Brrrr.... I wish I were home. Eventhough Manila is dirty, sleazy and crowded, I know my way around it. Unlike here, you can't get around because there is no sidewalk, no public trnasportation and nothing much to do.

Can't wait for this assignment to be over....

1st Day in Minnesotta

2006-02-13T08:40:00.000+08:00

I arrived at 10:55 am here in Minnesotta at the Minneapolis St. Paul International airport. It wasn't such a bad flight since since I was asleep 3/4 th's of the time. I breezed through immigration and we didn't have any plane delays.

When I got to the hotel, I settled down and rested a bit. I'm staying in a place called Homestead Suites which is really designed for long-term guest stays. I checked out the kitchen and all the other amenities. Then I found out that for $4.99, I will have unlimited access to high-speed internet for the rest of my stay here. Yipee! So I've just been surfing the net. Although the room has cable, the choices are limited so I haven't really been watching anything.

At around 3, I decided to walk and try to go to the nearest mall. It was just so damn cold though so I ended up eating at the nearest restaurant called Fuddruckers which serves American-style burgers. After that, I went back to my hotel and crashed. I don't have any groceries yet. Let's see how I adjust to the new time zone.

So how is life here in suburban Minnesotta? If you don't have a car, your'e pretty much trapped in the hotel. You have to call for a cab to get anywhere. There really isn't much to see since it's just lots of open space and snow. In fact, I have a view of a frozen lake outside my room. I'll try to go to the downtown area one of these days, but I don't know how different that will be from where I am staying. A trip to Mall of America is part of the plan, but that might be for next weekend.

Life seems so quiet here, I'll probably have lots of time to update my blog. This isn't exactly my idea of an adventure since this is really the heart of White America, but hell, I'll try to make the most out of it.

Training Trip

2006-02-10T10:21:00.000+08:00

I'm leaving for Minneapolis this Sunday. I'm going to be on training with my client for a month in the US. At first I wasn't excited about the prospect of staying 1 month in the Midwest. But then again, why refuse a free trip. Hmm...maybe I'll learn how to ski!:)

Anyway, I'll miss you. Hopefully though, I'll finally have time to write while I'm there. I'm planning to bring 5 books and tons of cds. Maybe I'll hang out in the Mall of America. As if I don't do that every weekend here.:)

2006-02-08T09:49:00.000+08:00

Within a month of my promotion, the office finally gave me a laptop. It's been a year and a half since I gave up my former laptop, but it's taken less than a week for me to get back into the old habits.

I am now officially a slave. I do leave the office earlier, but I end up bringing my work home. This is now how a typical Sunday afternoon goes between me and "_":

"_": It's time for dinner!
Me: Wait, there's this report I need to finish in 10 mins.
"_": Look, they're showing "Justice League" on Cartoon Network.
Me: Go ahead. I still need to finish putting together the results of January.
"_": Oh well. Might as well work on my new case then.

Sad....But a laptop can really get in the way....

2006-01-29T15:55:00.000+08:00

It seems like ages since I last posted a real blog on my site. I've been really busy with a lot of stuff at work and also trying to put my life in order. It hasn't been easy, but I don't have any regrets so far.

In the last 2 months, I think I might have gained 20 pounds. I've been cooking again recently. This is always an after-effect of when I cook at more than 60% of my meals.

I got really inspired to take up my old hobby again. The thing is, I finally found someone who makes me laugh, fusses over me and most importantly appreciates all the things I do including my home-cooked dishes.

It's been 7 months already, but in those 7 months, we went through 5 years worth of experiences. At the end of it all, we're still together. We've grown so much with each other and can't stand the thought that we'll ever grow apart.

It's really the best feeling in the world to finally find your soulmate. I know I'm being overly sentimental and a lot of you will probably puke after reading this.:) I just can't help it though. I can say I've finally fallen for the right person this time.

Sorry...

2005-12-29T10:31:00.000+08:00

It's been months since I've been able to post anything decent on this blog. I lost my access in the office and it's been a real bummer especially since a lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. Anyway, once I get my new laptop, I promise to post something at least once a week.

That's it for now... It's been one hell of a year. As I've always said though, live life with no regrets!

Happy New Year to all of us!

Quiz

2005-10-27T10:59:00.000+08:00

Dominant Personality: Understanding
Good Traits: You gravitate towards people,
and are a shoulder to lean on. You give advice
at any given time.
Bad Traits: You aren't close with any one
person. You immerse yourself in other people's
problems and forget your own.
People see you as: Friendly, secretive, and
popular. People envy you, and may try and use
you as a tool
You're most like: Grace. You both have
positive relationships with people. Neither of
you have close friends, but unlike graceful
people, you try to help people out and aren't
as arrogant.
You need more: Solitude. You hardly get the
chance to breathe when you take on the world's
problems. You can't take other's
responsibilities or put them before your own.
Be selfish once in a while and discover who you
really are.

What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)

The Past/Pest That Keeps Coming Back

2005-10-27T10:51:00.000+08:00

Recently, my ex-boyfriend from 2 years ago started texting me again. Sigh. After trying so hard to erase him from my life, he still managed to find a way to get my cellphone number and text me, "Can we be friends na? Kasi I know you're happy na naman eh!"

Oh well, I'm trying to be civil this time. However, I did something slightly evil while texting him. Anyway, since he has absolutely no sense of irony he probably never got it. It's no fun being bad when the other person doesn't squirm anyway.

I'm allergic to dust mites!!!!!

2005-10-27T10:41:00.000+08:00

Over the last few weeks, I've been struggling with a lot of things in relation to my health. First, I had a really bad case of allergic conjunctivitis. That kept me twice from my work. Second, my skin asthma returned. Third, I had this stubborn cold that wouldn't go away. Fourth, I started having these horrible coughing fits that wouldn't stop. Since the office provides for a healthplan, I went to various doctors and tried to find out what was wrong with me. Always, the main theme during those check-ups was that I had some kind of allergy.

Finally, last Saturday, "_" decided to bring me to the doctor. Now I hate hospitals and I'm really afraid of doctors which is why I had been putting off the visit for weeks now. This is strange considering I spent most of my childhood in the hospital and I often found myself taking care of my mom everytime she was hospitalized.

This time we decided to go to an allergologist so I could finally find out what was causing all my weird diseases. She tried to find out my medical history and did a skin test on me. At the end of the day, we found out that I am seriously allergic to dust mites.

Considering I live in Metro Manila, how the hell am I supposed to lessen my exposure to dust mites? Sigh. I have no absolutely no idea short of deciding to live in a bubble ball.

On my way home, "_" and I were talking, he said, "I hope our future kids have your looks and brains. But hopefully, they have my immune system." I'd have to say I don't think it will be easy to raise asthmatic children who break out the moment they step out of the house.

Office Blocked My Access to Blogger

2005-10-27T10:39:00.000+08:00

If you notice, I haven't been posting as regularly as I used to. Aside from being too busy to write anything, the office recently decided to block our access to blogger and any other blog sites.

Damn it! Now I don't have any place to ven anymore when things get really messed up in the office.

2005-10-06T18:52:00.000+08:00

No regrets for any of the career choices I made in the last year.

However, at this point, I think I need to make a choice....

My health or my career?

I think I will choose my health.

It doesn't mean I will quit tomorrow. I don't have enough money to do that. Besides, there are too many things happening at home so I don't have the luxury of making that sort of impulsive decision.

Just a few more months...

I don't want to say that I failed at something which is why I am quitting...again...

I really just want a job where I don't have to drag my feet going to the office.

I want a job whete I can actually be happy and healthy.

Sad, Sad, Sad

2005-10-03T09:27:00.000+08:00

This is my schedule for the week:

Monday: 9 AM- 6 AM
Tuesday: 1 PM- 10 PM
Wednesday: 10 PM- 7 AM
Thursday: 10 PM- 7 AM
Friday: 8:30 PM- 5:30 PM

Sounds really crazy right? I'll just try it out for this week and if I really can't handle it then, I really just have to let my bosses know.

I'm at that stage right now where I'm beginning to feel all the effects of my weird schedule. I cam down with a cold last week and I had to go see a doctor last Saturday. She says I have something called allergic rhinitis. 2 weeks ago, I had allergic conjunctivitis. Then 1 week ago, I also noticed that my skin asthma was recurring again.

I don't need an allergologist to tell that I am way stressed out right now!

Just when I think that everything is okay, something always comes up....

I'm tired.

I'm beginning to question if all my work in the last 9 months has been worth it.

All I'm seeing right now is the bad stuff....

I need to see something really good happen to me so I can get out of this funk I'm in right now.

Birthday Post

2005-09-21T06:32:00.000+08:00

This is my belated birthday post. I was too busy on my birthday to write anything.

It's been a pretty interesting year altogether. There were a lot of ups and downs, but at least I wasn't depressed as often as I used to be. Can I say I'm happier with my work now? Hmmm...tough question to answer. There are days when I wish I didn't have to go to work knowing that I would be facing so many negative people in the office. But then the thought that I can change people's lives and make things better in general somehow keeps me from just packing my bags and leaving. I promised to stick it out and stay for a year.

On the more personal side, I finally met someone who I actually felt was worth risking my heart for. We've been together for almost 3 months now and I'm pretty sure that I still love him. I don't think I will change my mind anytime soon.

So now I'm 27. I'm trying to answer the question, "Does being 1 year older mean I am 1 year wiser?". I should hope so. I guess my next goal is to learn to have more fun. I don't want to get too caught up with my ambitions that I forget to have a life. Hmmmm...I wonder where I'll be by next year.

2005-09-15T05:49:00.000+08:00

It's 8 AM and I'm still in the office. Haven't written anything in months now. Too tired. Too burned out and way past the point of caring.

Been working 16-hours almost everyday for more than 2 months now. With the way things are, I don't think my workload will get less anytime soon.

What do I do anyway? I pick up and fix the messes other people make. I take responsibility for tasks that other people fail to do.

I have absolutely no idea how and when I got to this point. Everything's been a blur for me in the last few months. It shows in my eyes. I got my eye ulcer back.

Work, Work and More Work

2005-07-25T14:06:00.000+08:00

Time really flies when a lot of things are happening around you. I didn't realize that it's been a month since my last post. I guess I also have to blame it on my weird schedule. Sometimes I work during the regular day shift, then I suddenly have to go on the night shift in a single week. It's worse though when I have to transfer to the day shift from the night shift. It really screws up my body clock big time.

Honestly, I'm getting to a point when I'm a little bit burned out with my work again. The problem with me is that I get too dedicated to my job that I tend to forget everything else in my life. I'm barely home again nowadays and if I'm there, I'm usually too sleepy to have a decent conversation with my sister. If I had to make a choice between a date or my deadline, I'd still most likely choose my deadline over my lovelife. If my friends need to talk to me, they'd need to work around my schedule.

So much paperwork, so many reports to submit and so many people issues to deal with. It can get a bit overwhelming on some days. However, if I had an easy job, then I'd be bored and probably still be unhappy. I guess it's really just a matter of me changing my perspective on things and learning to be content with what I have. Besides I'm learning a lot where I am right now. That's what motivates me to go to work everyday. I'm learning to be less self-absorbed and learning to be more sensitive to people's emotions. I know I tend to be too detached at times and always look at things objectively. (It's a defense mechanism I developed from childhood.) I forget that most other people are wired to make decisions based on how they feel.

It's always difficult to find that balance between work and life outside the office. I'm still trying to learn that everyday. This time, I want to finish something that I started. I am not giving up on this no matter how hard it gets. Besides, no matter how cliche this sounds, things always happen when they should and things always happen for a reason.

The Story Finally Has An Ending

2005-06-28T06:39:00.000+08:00

It's not so much as the end of the story, but the beginning of a new one for me.:) "_" and I decided to formalize whatever we had going for the last few weeks. I just felt it was the right time and I was with the right person. I don't feel confused at all with my feelings. In fact, I've never been more certain about anyone like this in a long, long time.

Since that's been resolved, it's now time for me to move on to other things in my blog.....

Responding to a Friend's Blog Post

2005-06-25T14:06:00.000+08:00

My good friend Cecil recently wrote a post on her blog about how things have changed since I started going out with the new guy in my life. I just decided to respond to her post called "House of Singles".

My response:

I know I haven't been able to go out as much as I used to with you. It's a lot harder now with my crazy schedule in the office, my weird sleeping habits and of course him. I am writing this letter maybe to reassure you that I'm still here no matter what.

We've known each other since high school and we've seen each other through a lot. I've seen you through your heartaches and also your major successes. I think the only thing I really missed in your life was your debut.

I don't think you should be afraid that there's a new guy in my life. It doesn't mean that just because he's there, I won't have any time for you anymore. He's open-minded enough to acknowledge that I need to be with my friends (as long as they're girls) without him around. We can still have our girls' night out on Saturdays and go on our shopping sprees on some weekdays. We still even get our Starbucks buzz on some mornings.

Despite my busy schedule, "_" are trying to make this work. I know he's not exactly the guy you had in mind for me, but he is making me happy. I like him because he understands me so well. He knows the way to my heart is not through flowers, but by food. He understands that I prefer to go shopping alone. Plus, he's probably the most thoughtful guy I ever met. Most importatly, he isn't scared of what I've done, who I want to be and what I want to do.

One day I hope you'll understand my decision.:) Besides, no need to panic. It's not as if I'm getting married anytime soon. That's the furthest thing from our mind right now. No matter what happens though, you'l defintely be my friend for life.

Missing my friends

2005-06-18T04:26:00.000+08:00

I'm sort of missing my friends right now. I haven't really been able to spend quality time with them in a long time because my work schedule has just been insane.

I promise next week, I'll make sure to go out with each one of them.

General Frustrations

2005-06-15T07:55:00.000+08:00

- It's almost 8 AM, and I'm still here in the office. I'm trying to access my email, but unfortunately, the system is down. Damn it! I want to go home!!!! I can't though, because I need to make sure this report is in before I even think of stepping out of my freaking office. I hate it when this happens. Maybe I'll go out for breakfast first and wait for this thing to get fixed.

- I never realized how difficult it would be exclusively dating someone. You're not quite together, but you have to find a way to fix your schedule so you can find time to be with him while you try to figure out if you can actually survive having a real relationship. I'm still hesitant to get into a commitment because how can 2 people who live in 2 different time zones find the time to see each other? I know most of my friends are already vomitting right now because of certain reasons. Strangely enough though, for once I'm actually sort of happy with what I have right now.

So What's Really Going On?

2005-06-06T16:45:00.000+08:00

I really don't know how to answer that question. Everything's kind of blurry right now for me.

Thank God he doesn't read my blog....

When He's Being Unreasonable

2005-05-28T05:42:00.000+08:00

From the last few posts I've made, it's pretty obvious that I now have a semblance of a normal love-life right now. We're not together or anything. We really are just dating and trying to figure out if this will work out for us or not. This Friday though, I got really pissed off at him because he asked me the stupidest question ever.

We've been going out on an almost daily basis. Then suddenly, last night he asked me via text, "Are you dating someone else?".

I got really mad after he asked that question. I have no idea where that thought came from or even what drove him to ask that. I barely have time outside of work. I exert a lot of effort to squeeze him into my schedule and this is what I get?

At 1 AM, he texts me, "Are we okay already or are you still mad at me?"

All I could reply was, "Just go to sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

It's Official

2005-05-28T05:37:00.000+08:00

It's official, effective June 1, I will no longer be Trainer but an Account Supervisor. I've known about this since early April, but the whole process took longer than expected because I had to be regularized first and they had to fix my papers for the promotion. In reality though, I've been doing the job since late April anyway.

Things have moved pretty fast for me as always. I thought I was just going to have a quiet time in my life here working in a call center. I thought I was just going to stick around for a year and then go back to the world of gray suits. I guess I was proven wrong in a good way. This has turned out to be a pretty interesting adventure so far and I'm happy.

WTF?

2005-05-24T19:10:00.000+08:00

I swear the last 2 weeks have been really crazy!

How can 2 people who only met 2 weeks ago go from not talking to holding hands while walking?

We started out with text messages, then we started hanging out, watching movies and now we practically see each other everyday. He even brings me cake or food to my office.

Today after watching a movie, he sends me text saying, "Thanks for the movie. I miss you already."

God damn it! I am so scared!!!! I don't know where this is going... For a person morbidly afraid of any kind of romantic connection with another human being, this situation is giving me an ulcer. I mean, I do like him and he's giving me some kind of balance in my life, but am I ready for this of affection and attention from anyone?

Pros:

- He's showing me a life outside the four walls of my office.
- He makes me laugh.
- I'm very comfortable with him.
- He makes me feel safe.
- He makes me slow down.
- He understands my work and the weird hours I keep.
- He never questions my ambition and drive.

Cons:

- He interferes with my gym schedule.
- How sure am I that I'm not the rebound girl?

Difference Between Hanging Out and Dating

2005-05-20T16:40:00.000+08:00

Over the last 4 years or so, I've been morbidly afraid of any kind of commitment. So even when I was dating someone, I just preferred to refer to it as "hanging out" rather than actually call it dating. I didn't want to think of the possibility of ever commiting to someone, so I just simply ignored any possibility of me being more than friends with anyone.

Anyway, I met someone about 2 weeks ago and have been seeing him quite often. Last night, he asked me the question, "So are we dating?" and suddenly my ulcer acted up again. We ended up having a long conversation where he struggled to define to me what a date was. All this time, I really thought we were just simply "hanging out" as friends and I had no idea that he already considered the whole of last week as dating.

In the end, we agreed that when we go out to finally watch "Star Wars" tomorrow, it's officially a date. The whole of last week will remain to be a question mark since this really was a case of different expectations. He knows I have a really bad track record with my serious relationships. If he's willing to take the risk though, then I'll give him a chance.

Quiz daw o!

2005-05-14T19:06:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Thoughts on Why I Am Not Posting

2005-05-14T18:51:00.000+08:00

I guess it's been almost a month since I last updated my blog. I've been very busy with a lot of things in my life like work, family responsibilities and friends. I've been spending a lot of time in the office though. On the average, I'm there about 12 hours everyday.

It's funny how lots of things can happen all in 1 week. Friendships are born, people move on to another stage of their lives and family relationships can be strained to the point where relatives decide to cut off contact with each other. In the workplace, politics can be played out in the open arena where you know exactly who your enemies are or in secret meetings where factions plot out their next move.

I don't want to get into too much detail. I'm in that stage of my life where I'd rather keep some things to myself first. I guess that's the reason why I haven't been posting as much. There will be a time for everything. For now, I'm happy to live my real life without having to announce everything to everyone. Let me sort out some things first, then maybe I'll be able to talk more.

Well Meaning Text Messges

2005-04-25T03:25:00.000+08:00

A well-meaning friend of my ex texted me this week:

"Oy ano ba? Bakit wala ka pang bf? Di mo ba alam, mauubusan ka na ng lalaki."

To which I replied,

"If I really wanted a boy, I could get anyone easily today. The thing is, I'd rather wait for the one who will be good for me."

"I'd rather wait forever for my ideal guy than settle for someone simply because he's available."

Short Update

2005-04-25T02:48:00.000+08:00

I've been so busy in the last few weeks, I haven't had the chance to update my blog. It's been really crazy in the office. My workload has quadrupled and there has been so much human drama, it's a wonder that I haven't been affected by any of this. Well, actually, I got sick the whole week last week. It was really from sheer exhaustion which is why my body crashed.

On the bright side though, I've also been offered a promotion which will be finalized within the next few weeks. I really should write down our soap opera in the office. I'll get around to it when I have more time on my hands.

4-Day Holiday!!!!

2005-03-25T07:36:00.000+08:00

At the last minute, my bosses in the office told me that I could take 4 days off for the Holy Week! Of course, I was so happy when I found out, I decided to push through with my plans on Maundy Thursday.

My friend recently learned how to drive and she was looking for someone to hang out with so she could practice her driving. We ended up having breakfast at McDonalds and going to the gym afterwards at The Fort. I helped her out with some of the machines since she wasn't familiar yet with the equipment. I also managed to convince her to join the Body Jam class which she really enjoyed because it's so silly and fun at the same time.

She mentioned that I seemed to have lost weight as compared to the last time we saw each other. It made me glad to know that all my hard work in the gym has been paying off somehow. At the same time though, my present job leaves me little room to indulge in snacks because I barely have time to eat my lunch. It's funny though because sometimes before I go to the gym, I eat a lot of chocolate to get my energy rush.

I don't go to the gym to lose weight. At this age, I'm perfectly happy with how my body is, even if I tend to be on the chunky side. I refuse to subscribe to any diet and I will always enjoy all kinds of food. We only live once, why deprive ourselves of the basic joys of life? The reasone why I spend a lot of time in the gym these days is for me to make my lungs stronger and to make my brain produce more endorphins which does really give that "natural high". If in the process it makes me look better to other people, then I'm glad. I think though that I've had enough self-acceptance that fat or thin, my body will never be a source of my confidence issues.

I wonder how I'll spend the next 3 days of my holiday?

The Euthanasia Issue

2005-03-25T07:09:00.000+08:00

I got a chance to watch the news this week because I had to make some weird adjustments to my work schedule. When I turned to CNN, I saw that the big news in the US right now is the Terri Schiavo case. After watching for a few minutes, I now also find myself in following the developments of the story.

As a backgrounder, about 10 years ago, Terri Schiavo collapsed in her home due to a mineral imbalance in her body resulting from an eating disorder. In the time that she was unconscious, her brain was deprived of oxygen long enough to result in serious brain damage. Though she managed to survive, since then she has in been in a persistent vegetative state. She can't communicate or move at all. In fact, she has been dependent on a feeding tube for her nutritional needs. For many years now, her husband and her parents have been locked in a bitter legal battle as to how long she should continue living on life support.

When I was in high school, I remember writing a paper on Euthanasia for our Religion class. It was one of the projects I really enjoyed working on because it made me realize how difficult it is to draw the line that separates us from life or death. Since there has been a lot of advances in the medical sciences in the 20th century, it is now possible to keep people alive much longer than our ancestors could. At the same time though, these life-saving devices can stretch life to the point of sacrificing the person's quality of life. In the case of my Mom, she was living on a respirator for the last week of her life. I never managed to speak to her, she barely opened her eyes and I will never find out what was actually going through her mind at that time when she was hooked up to the machine. All that time I watched over her, I kept on asking myself, "Would she have wanted this to happen to her?If I gave her the choice, would she have asked me to pull the plug instead of keeping her artificially alive and prolonging her pain?"

To begin with, it's very hard to answer questions on assisted suicide and euthanasia because we can't even define what death really is. Is it really at the point when your heart stops beating on its own? Can you say you are dead when you don't breathe anymore? In this day and age though, I think most people actually define death as when your brain stops functioning. Believe it or not, I think brain functions are the last to go when you die.

I think one of these days, I'll get a lawyer to draw up a document saying that if ever I end up in a hospital living on artificial life support, I demand that they pull the plug immediately. I don't want to be kept alive by machines. I'd choose to die with dignity and cause the least pain to the people who love me.

So Sue Me.....

2005-03-25T07:04:00.000+08:00

I checked my Friendster account this week and I decided to drop by someone's page. I just wanted to see if he's married or not. Well, anyway, he isn't. One thing I can say though, he's getting FAT!!! He seems to have gained 10 pounds from the last time I saw him and at that time, my sister already noticed that he was already fat.

Anyway, moving on to other things.....

I hate rumor- mongers.....

2005-03-17T09:19:00.000+08:00

I just recently finished delivering a training program in the office. Everything went well except for a few minor hiccups here and there. So after the training program, we are trying to get everyone assigned to a division within the account.

So I've been busy giving pep talks to people, briefing them before their client interviews and being an all-around counselor in general. It's actually quite fulfilling for me, except for one person who's really giving me a headache. Life can't be perfect all the time because then, it would be really boring.

Probably the worst kind of person you will ever encounter in the office is a rumor- monger. It's very difficult to deal with a person who loves to sow intrigue where none should even be started. With just my recommendation, I can have this particular person dismissed, but I am stopping myself because I want to give this person a chance to prove me wrong. However, if it gets to a point where I really cannot stand him anymore, then I will have to take action. As of now though, I'm biting my tongue. There's very little chance he will change, but let's see what happens in the next 4 weeks.

Getting a Haircut

2005-03-09T10:27:00.000+08:00

Whenever a woman gets heartbroken or experiences a sudden change in her life, the first thing she probably takes it out on is her hair. If not that, then maybe she goes on an impulsive shopping spree. Though I may not seem like it at times, at heart, I will always be just a regular girl.

About 2 weeks ago, I decided to go to the salon for a regular trim. By the end of the session, my hair was layered, shoulder-length, and I suddenly found myself with bangs. I didn't protest at all when the hairstylist decided to experiment on my hair. All I told him before the haircut was "Make me look pretty."

I am not heartbroken at all and there is no other person involved in my sudden change of hairstyle. I guess the reason for the haircut is that I've moved on to a different stage of my life. I finally find myself absolutely contented. I have a good job that I'm happy with. I have my family (which includes my 3 beautiful cats) to come home to every morning. I have the best friends in the world who have shared with me all the good and the bad times.

Every afternoon when I wake up, I finally tell God, "Thank you for everything that I've been through, my present life and whatever else the future will hold for me." I don't fear anything anymore and I don't hold any regrets about the past. I remember that the last time that I ever felt like this was in college when I was still studying Philosophy and taking up my favorite sport at the same time.

I guess finding my peace and happiness came with the knowledge and acceptance of who I really am. For many years, I had to pretend that I was this serious power-hungry corporate rat when in my heart, all I really wanted was to help people and be able to laugh at myself. It doesn't mean that I've lost my ambition, my goals in life have simply changed.

I'm celebrating every day that I'm single and independent. I don't feel bad that I haven't found that special someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't regret ever having walked away from what could have been the love of my life. I've realized that the love of my life, if ever I meet him, will be someone who will be able to accept that my work defines who I am more than anything else in the world. I don't know if I'll ever meet the person who will understand that no matter how hard he tries, he will always only be second to my career. I won't mind waiting forever. I just don't want to ever regret not having done all the things I wanted to do.

How fast time flies! About 2 years ago, I was this depressed alcoholic who had a rising career and a miserable personal life. 7 months ago when I started this blog, I was this depressed miserable wretch with a lucrative career. Now, hard as it may be to comprehend, I'm sort of poor, but I am happy with my work. Life is full of ironies, but I definitely don't mind where the journey has taken me so far.

Really Happy Right Now

2005-03-03T09:20:00.000+08:00

Haven't been able to write a proper blog in weeks now. I've just been so busy at work that I haven't had enough time to just sit down and concentrate on putting my thoughts together. The good news is, I've been having so much fun, I don't really notice time passing by.

I've finally started delivering the training class I designed about a month ago. I'm quite lucky that my first batch of trainees are really very open-minded and willing to learn. It makes my life so much easier. Another bonus is that the activities I've planned have worked most of the time in making the training class more fun and interesting.

At the end of the day, I'm very tired, but I go home with a happy heart. I feel good knowing I've made a difference in someone's life. It's quite ironic that initially I refused to consider working in a call center. This is so different from who I was about a year ago. Isn't it so amazing how life changes constantly? I really do not regret my decision in leaving my former job. I was right in thinking that there was something meant for me out there. Moral of the story is: No is meant to suffer in silence for a job they loathe. Forget practicality and follow your heart. That's the real essence of living a full life.

Constantine and Sideways

2005-02-20T12:52:00.000+08:00

I managed to catch 2 movies last week- "Constantine" and "Sideways". Obviously, I watched "Constantine" because Keannu Reeves was in it. Then I watched "Sideways" to find out what the buzz has been all about.

"Constantine" is based on a comic-book character who hunts down demons and sends them back to hell. He has the special ability to see things and to travel between hell and earth. I thought the premise was quite interesting and the visuals were entertaining. However, the movie was really bogged down by the script. I just felt the pace was too slow for an action movie. Having seen "Elektra" though just a few weeks ago, "Constantine" doesn't seem bad after all.

"Sideways" is about 2 friends who go on a wine-tasting trip across California a week before one of them is scheduled to get married. All the good stuff you've heard about this movie is true. Of course, I had high expectations of this film because the director also made "About Schmidt" which I really liked. Thank God, I wasn't disappointed this time. It's funny and sad all at once. There are no heroes or big moments in this film. Everyone is flawed, but in the end, they go on with their lives. They find little pockets of happiness in what may seem a totally meaningless existence. It's a simple story with no pretentions. I'll probably watch it again next week.

A Typical Day

2005-02-20T12:33:00.000+08:00

I've been really busy with work in the last few weeks which is why I haven't been able to post as often as I would like to. I just got a new assignment last Thursday, so now I have to worry about another training program for my division. I'm barely finished with the first training program I'm building up. I've also been busy supervising the new hires and the trainees just to make sure that they integrate well into the division. Plus, I'm getting much more involved in the recruitment process for our training pool, so that's another thing I have to spend time on.

A typical day for me these days begins with me spending time in the gym almost every morning. It's either I'm attending dance classes or I'm lifting weights to get rid of my flab. The dance classes are quite ridiculous, but I have to admit a lot of fun. I also make sure I spend some time on the treadmill just to get keep increasing my endurance.

After my workout, I buy myself and my sister breakfast. Then I go home and get some much needed sleep the rest of the day. If I have to catch a movie, I wake up at 3 PM. If I'm not really after watching anything, I sleep until 6:30 PM.

By 7:30 PM, I need to be out of the house if I am to make it to the office by 8:30 PM. Sometimes I leave earlier if I want to have dinner in the mall. By the time I get to the office, I give myself at least 30 mins. to settle down then I spend the next 8-9 hours working on various projects, attending meetings or coaching people on things they need to work on. So at any given time, there can be at least 3 people looking for me at my post.

If I'm lucky, I can leave the office at 5:30 AM. If on that day, I have so much work to do, I leave at 7 AM. It's not so bad. I've been tempted many times to bring my work home. However, I realized how that managed to burn me out the last time, so I leave everything in the office.

So far I have no complaints. I've adjusted really well to the new work environment. All my bosses are quite nice to me, so I just do my job and keep them updated. No one pressures me unnecessarily and no one from the office calls me when I'm at home. I'll do this for a year and then it will be time again to re-evaluate my life.

I HATE VALENTINE"S DAY

2005-02-15T11:26:00.000+08:00

I probably have a history of having the worst Valentine's Days ever. In my 26 years of existence, I have had only 1 year of actually ever being with someone on that date. There was one year when I was stuck in the office finishing work. Another year where I was too depressed to go out so I ended up just going home and getting drunk after work. For typical year though, I spend most of my time hiding at home and avoiding any phone calls from friends.

I don't know why. I have no problem with my current status. I'm single not simply because of circumstances, but also because it's a choice I made. But I swear I just hate Valentine's Day. It's the one day of the year when I feel really alone. I walk in the malls and I see couples holding hands or girls carrying flowers. It's not as if I don't see that every other day of the year, but I guess it's highlighted on that date.

So what did I do this year? Well, since I work on the night shift, I really don't have a choice but to go to the office. The good thing is, I have a valid excuse not to be out that night. However, I still have to have dinner anyway and having no food in the house, I have to go to the mall. So I ended up dragging myself to Shangri-la Mall. That's when I decided to treat myself to a good dinner. I went to Sugarhouse and ordered something called Two Pigs in a Blanket, which is basically a sausage sandwich. Afterwards, I capped off the meal with a delicious Turtle Pie, which is a chocolate cake with a caramel base. Not content, I bought a Chicken Florentine meal for my midnight snack in the office.

At around 8 PM, I made my way to the office which is about 2 blocks away from the mall. With a full stomach, I didn't feel so sad anymore. Gosh, I have to go to the gym again tommorow to work off all the calories again.:)

Summarized Updates

2005-02-13T11:50:00.000+08:00

Haven't been able to update my blog as often I want to because of so many meetings at work. At the same time, I'm still worrying about the training activities for my training class that I haven't had enough time to sit down and just organize my thoughts for a coherent blog.

Anyway, I'll just summarize all the things that happened last week....

- Last Saturday, I attended a baby shower for my former boss from my previous office. The party was so wholesome that I decided to go to Malate afterwards even if I had not slept properly for days at that point.

- Before going to Malate, I met up with my friend Paul in Megamall. I haven't been able to hang out with him as often as before because we're both really busy with work. Plus, I needed to give him some stuff. He's one of the people I really miss eversince I got busy with the new job.

- I went to Malate with my new friend in the office, Erik. We were supposed to go to the Orosa/Nakpil area since a lot of my friends hang out there. However, when we got there, he wasn't that comfortable with the crowd. We ended up wandering aimlessly in the place. At one point, we ran into my other friend Cecil who was with her friends. They were hanging out in another bar at another part of Malate. Erik and I decided to stay there until around 4 AM.

- Last Wednesday, I woke up early afternoon just so I could run to the mall and catch a screening of "Let The Love Begin". When I wasn't working, I was watching "Mulawin" almost everyday. Since then I've been a fan of the Richard Gutierrez- Angel Locsin love team so I decided I was going to watch their movie. I thought the movie wasn't bad. There were some variations to the typical "poor boy meets rich girl" storyline. I just think it's impossible though that there would ever be a janitor with Richard's looks.

- Last Thursday, I tried to watch of the movie version of "Phantom of the Opera". I ran out after just 20 minutes. I was laughing so hard, I just had to leave. I really cannot relate with modern musical theater.

- This Friday, I took an exam which I flunked pretty badly. I didn't feel so bad about it though because I did that to answer one question I have in my life at this point. What happened last Friday affirmed my decision of late last year.

- This Saturday, I badly needed to catch some sleep so I just visited my Dad, went to the gym and afterwards went home. So at least this Sunday, I'm pretty well-rested.

- My friend is planning to set me up on a date with someone. I haven't said yes. I'm really not comfortable with the idea of going out on a blind date at this point of my life. I used to do that often before and I've had a lot of funny experiences to look back on. The question is though, when will I ever be ready to go out anyway?

The End of The Week

2005-02-05T06:43:00.000+08:00

It's 7 AM in the morning and I am still in the office. I'll be leaving in a while.

I'm still getting used to the fact that I no longer have to run like a rat just to be where I am supposed to be.

Sometimes I still feel a little disjointed from this life. It still doesn't feel real.

What did I do for this week? I attended a 2-day training for Trainers, did my revisions to my training program slides, interviewed 5 people for the pilot team and dealt with the usual day-to-day issues in the office.

What did I fail to do? Damn. I'm still not done trying to figure out activities that will keep my training class lively. I haven't finished preparing my assessment materials and my training effectivity survey.

Despite not finishing some work, I don't feel rushed, harassed or depressed.

This weekend, I'll visit my Dad, attend a baby shower for my ex-boss, go to Malate with my ex-boyfriend and my new found friend in the office, watch a tournament on Sunday and watch a movie with my sister.

So this is what it finally means to have a life....

The Night Economy

2005-01-30T13:31:00.000+08:00

10 years ago, if you were part of the night economy, most probably you were working in a convenience store, restaurant, bar, or a not-so-wholesome establishment. That's all changed now. With the emergence of call centers, a lot of people find themselves having to work on the graveyard shift.

I now find myself working in a call center. Since I find myself still emotionally incapable of handling a normal job in the "conventional" corporate world, I decided to give this new job a shot. I don't take calls though. I work as a Trainer. I don't teach people though to develop fake American accents. I teach them the business skills to make them do their jobs better.

I've only been there for less than a month, but I've already had a lot of interesting experiences. From day 1, i had to make a lot of adjustments since this is a completely different world from one that I was used to. Here, anything goes and people are a little more relaxed than others. I am only required to work for 8 hours a day/5 days a week and no one from work has ever called me on my cellphone. I can go to work in formal office wear or go in my rattiest shirt and jeans depending on my mood.

I go to work when everyone is on their way home and go home when everyone is on their way to work. I'm still in the mall almost every single day, but it's during the quiet hours when everyone is still slaving away at the office. I still get to see the sun though because I make it a point to go to the gym after my shift. Plus, whatever time I slept that morning, I always wake up at 4 pm.

So far, I am enjoying my job. I am occasionally stressed out because of certain important deadlines. That's because I'm still currently in the process of building and designing the training materials for the training program I'm supposed to deliver by Feb. 15. There's also the whole murky issue of office politics that I found myself right in the middle of from Day 1. Other than that, I'm a lot more relaxed now. Plus, I finally have the time to indulge myself in my other hobbies outside of work and go the gym as often I want to.

I think I can say I've lived a pretty interesting life so far. Maybe I'm not as intellectually deep as other people or as sucessful as others, but at least I've lived it mostly on my own terms. It's not perfect. There have been many troubles along the way, but at least now I am at peace with myself. How is this going to last? I don't know, but I'm wiling to give it a fair chance.

Updates on Work

2005-01-22T17:41:00.000+08:00

I've been doing a lot of work in the last week. My schedule has just been absolutely crazy!!!!! I have to attend tons of meetings, work on the training materials, conceptualize how to deliver the training eventually and interview people who will be joining the team. Then in January, I have to attend a training program.

All in all though, I will have to say that I like this job. It's a whole new challenge that's really keeping my brain active and occupied. I just have to watch myself and make sure I don't burn myself out again.

This week, I'll try to skip as many meetings as I can. I really need to work on the presentation/training manuals. The client still has to review it.

With the way things are going for my career again, it's still very unlikely that I will ever find a boyfriend.

Galera Trip

2005-01-17T03:14:00.000+08:00

I spent 1 weekend in Puerto Galera last January 8-9. I was dragged on this trip suddenly by my childhood friends. I really wasn't planning on going because I had just started with my new job and all, but I decided not to miss the opportunity of spending quality time with the people I rarely get to see. This was really a special time, because 1 of my childhood friends who is currently based in the States, came home for her Christmas vacation and decided to spend one of her weekends with us.

I left Manila on a Saturday morning. Gosh! I almost missed the bus. I was so sleepy and woke up a little later than I planned. I managed to get dressed in 5 minutes, packed my bags and sped off in a cab to the bus pick-up point which is somewhere in Manila. After that, the bus took us to the Batangas pier and there was a ferry waiting there. It was an additional 1 hour ride to the Puerto Galera pier. Since my friends got there the day before, they just made arrangements for the hotel to pick me up. The resort we stayed at was at least another 30 minutes away. When I got there, I didn't even have time to rest because I had to take another 30-minute tricycle ride to another part of the island. My friends were already waiting for me at White Beach, which is one of the more busy spots in Puerto Galera. We all had lunch first at one of the restaurants beside the beach. After our lunch, we took a short boat ride to the other side of the island so we could go snorkelling. I thought that was quite fun, eventhough I really can't swim.

At around 5 PM, we went back to White Beach and stayed the rest of the time there for a little more swimming and dinner before heading back out to our original resort. I think everyone had a long day so at around 11 my friends were all asleep already. Actually, I brought the alcohol supply for the trip. Since we didn't really drink that night, I have 1 bottle of gin and 1 bottle of flavored lambanog in my cupboard at home.

The next day we had to wake up early. We had to catch the 9 AM ferry ride out of Puerto Galera back to Batangas. Got back to Manila at around 1 PM. I went home really sleepy, but with absolutely no regrets for taking the weekend off outside Manila.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2005-01-17T02:58:00.000+08:00

Ever since I started working last Jan. 4, I've been extremely busy. Actually, I spent 1 week at the new employees training course of the company I now work for. God, was I in for a culture shock! I came from a very formal and strict industry where all my decisions and statements had to be measured carefully. Suddenly, I'm in a world where almost everyone is younger than me and where I have to unlearn some of the things I really got used to.

I was supposed to attend the training for 2 weeks, but I was pulled out early and asked to report to my division. So last January 11, I found myself attending various meetings, getting introduced to tons of people and having to absorb a lot of information in a very short span of time.

What is it am I supposed to be doing again? Well, I'm a Skills/Product trainer specifically assigned to 1 division here in the office. I don't handle employee orientations. I take of the stuff that happens after that. The thing is, I am the 1st ever trainer they hired for this particular account, so they don't even have the training materials prepared yet. I end up having to do a lot of things all at once. I have to study the company and the various services and products they provide, conduct a training needs analysis by interviewing the people in my division, write the training materials and ultimately deliver the training program after getting the final approval from the client. The good news is, I'm already done with the outline.

So here I am living out another stage in my life and career. It's turning out to be a very interesting experience. Come to think of it, I've never had a boring job. I'm also currently on the graveyard shift so this is exposing me to the whole night economy.:) I'm actually much better rested because this is finally conforming to my true body clock. I work much more efficiently at night. No dead hours for my brain. I definitely intend to stay for a year. After that, we'll see where I find myself again.

Just A Useless Post on My Family

2005-01-03T16:35:00.000+08:00

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever written a post about my family. I guess when you live with certain people everyday, it's easy for us to take them for granted. Unless someone suddenly dies, and that changes the whole picture.

Being the youngest, I was always spoiled in my family. I was the little girl no one wanted to ever grow up. If they had the money, they never refused me anything I ever asked for. My family wasn't perfect, but I guess I was much better off than majority of the population.

I wasn't much trouble growing up because I wasn't a very sociable child. So I was at home most of the time. The only problem with me was that I was in the hospital almost every week until the age of 5. I had very weak lungs and I got almost every lung-related disease possible. It's something I still have to live with until now.

Then as with everyone else, I went to school, met new friends, had many misadventures, and eventually went to college. That was the most important time of my life because it was when I finally learned about the outside world and about guys. I was so naive before that because I was placed in an all-girls school from grade school to high school. After college, my childhood friends were so shocked with the changes that happened in my personality.

I left my parents' house just before graduation. I had a huge fight with my Dad because he freaked out when he saw that it was a guy who brought me back to our house one night. He accused me of being a bad daughter for going out with a guy. Of course, I got so mad that I threw my last college grades at him (I got my highest grades ever during the last semester.), packed all I owned in a sports bag and left the next morning. I never returned to the house ever again except to visit him on weekends. Our fight was compounded by the fact that I found out he had never forgiven me for taking up Judo as a sport. For almost 2 years, we were barely on speaking terms. It was only when my mother got seriously ill that we started talking again.

My mother is the exact opposite of my father. She's really cool and she never really got mad at me except when I lost the ring she bought me. She knew how to handle my personality and could get me to do what she wanted without me raising much of a fuss. She knew when to push and when to just let me be. Most of all, it was my mother who taught me the value of being my own person and not depending on another guy for my happiness. She didn't make the best decisions herself, but at least she made sure, that none of her daughters would ever make the same mistakes she did. She died on June 12, 2003. We were both at peace with each other at that time. Although, there are days when I still miss her. Even when she couldn't talk anymore, I would just give her a hug and it said volumes already about our relationship.

My sister is probably the most influential person in my life. Where our parents failed in being parents, we learned to fill in the gaps by ourselves. When I was a child, she was there to supervise my education. She taught me how to read and write. She was guide in telling me what were good books and not. She tried to make me write poetry, but even then we already knew I didn't have that gift. She always pushed me to go beyond what the school was teaching me and develop my own sensibilities. I owe it to her why I passed the best schools when I applied for college. When I was in college, she gave me the freedom to believe in what I really wanted to do, whether or not it was practical.

Last night, when I was really sick, she was there to watch over me. She would wake up once in a while just to check how my fever was going. Although I could really take care of myself if I wanted to, it was really nice knowing that there was someone who cared enough to see how I was doing. We have our arguments once in a while especially when my rebelliousness comes out, but in the end, we still find our strength in one another.

My Only New Year's Resolution

2005-01-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

As I was checking my friend's blogs, I noticed that everyone seems to be in a very reflective mood these days. I guess it's really that time of the year. In my previous entries, I already shared what the year 2004 will mean to me in the years to come. Then I realized, that I forgot one important tradition of the new year which is to prepare my list of resolutions.

I don't think I've had any new year's resolutions in a long time because I always believed that I would end up breaking them anyway. Plus, I also believe that things happen in their proper time. So why suddenly come up with something this year? I realized that I really need to do this if I am going to be fully happy with my life.

I have no complaints. Like I said, I know where I stand as a person. I am aware of my stregths and my weaknesses. I know who my friends are. I also have a clear idea of what I want to do with my life. However, there is just one thing that is left unresolved in my heart and we all know what that is or rather who it is.

For the year 2005, I promise to let go of the past. I will no longer idealize it because it wasn't the greatest thing that happened in my life. I will no longer delude myself into thinking that he was the only person I ever loved and can ever love. My life didn't end when he left. In fact, I survived the pain, the alcoholism and the mess that came after him. Later on, I found out who I was meant to become. At the same time, I learned to really appreciate the important people in my life.

I will stop stalking him on Friendster in order to get updates on his life. If you check my Friendster page, he is no longer on my list of friends. I even deleted the testimonial I wrote for him. Yes, I will remain friends with some of his friends, but if they ever ask me how I feel about him, then I will just pretend I never heard the question in the first place. If they try to update about what's up with him, then I will quickly change the topic.

God help me because this is probably the Nth time I've had to erase him from my life completely. But I will be successful this year. It's been more than 4 years since the big breakup, I think I deserve to find my own happiness. This doesn't mean though that I will start dating or open my heart to a new relationship. That's a different question altogether that will be answered at a different time.

The End of 2004

2004-12-31T06:26:00.000+08:00

As I write this entry it is now December 31, 2004- the last day of the year. It's 5 AM in the morning and I still can't sleep. So I just decided to look back on the year that was.

If 2003, was the year of my greatest tragedy and greatest success, 2004 would be the year of self- discovery. I learned so many valuable lessons about life that I will always think back and say that this is the year when I finally grew up. There were definitely no regrets about any decisions I made. After everything was said and done, I became wiser and more responsible. What else could I ask for?

This was the year when I finally appreciated everything I had in the first place. I have the most caring (even if sometimes crazy) friends on earth and a wonderful (even if flawed) immediate family. Plus, no matter where I go and no matter how bad it gets, the Philippines will always be my home.

This was the year when I found my own strength. I am not afraid anymore to be alone. If I have to, I know I can finally stand on my own 2 feet and not have anyone dictating how my life should work out. I also finally overcame my alcohol addiction after years of fighting what I thought would be a losing battle.

So how did I end this year? I spent the start of the last day of the year in a bar called Government, which is somewhere in Makati. I was just hanging out with Paul and some new friends I made today. We didn't really plan on going there. It was just one of those spur of the moment decisions which turned out to be quite fun. Paul and I only danced for a few hours and we decided to go home a little earlier this time, which was around 2 AM. I know that my party-girl side is still there in me, I'm just a lot more subdued nowadays. I guess I've really outgrown that stage in my life, but I don't mind going back once in a while.

After leaving Government, Paul and I decided to have a midnight snack at Wendy's, which was on the next block. While seated there, there was this guy who kept on walking in front of the shop waving the roses he was selling. I think it was a really slow night for him. On a whim, I got up and bought myself 2 roses, and he ended up giving me a 3rd one for free. I had no idea what to do with them, until I remembered that I am going to my favorite church this Saturday. I'll definitely be dropping them off there instead of letting them die in my house.

TOP 5 LESSONS OF 2004

2004-12-31T06:24:00.000+08:00

5) The world is made of all sorts of people. Some them are good. Some of them are bad. The most dangerous of all is the wolf disguised in sheep's clothing.
4) A woman doesn't need to have a man to be happy.
3) Never put off for tomorrow what needs to be done today.
2) Nothing is ever worth giving up all for the sake of building a successful career.
1) Money never guarantees happiness.

It's All Final

2004-12-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

Yup. It's pretty final now. My new official job title will be Customer Financial Services Trainer. I'm already supposed to start on January 3, but I haven't finished my paperwork yet. I'll have to ask my new employers tomorrow about that.

Hmmm....I wonder where this new path will take me. We'll see.

Post-Christmas Thoughts

2004-12-27T21:17:00.000+08:00

I'm glad Christmas is finally over. No more traffic jams. No more crowds in the malls. No more mad rush to buy gifts. Life can finally go back to normal.

Every year it becomes harder to find that Christmas feeling. Is it because I am becoming more jaded about life? I've been on vacation for about 4 months now and it has done wonders for me emotionally. However, that feeling of tiredness hasn't really gone away completely. It's like life is becoming a series of duties and responsibilities that one has to fulfill. That is why I've been spending most of my life being a nomad. I don't like to feel trapped or to be bound to anyone or anything.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with some friends abut marriage and career. I don't want to marry because I'm afraid of being lulled into a false sense of security by the stability that marriage offers. I don't want to have to worry about anyone when I decide to take off on one of my whimsical trips. Even if they say that I marry a truly liberal or open-minded guy, will I be ever able to make decisions without having to consider the other person in the equation? Should I finally decide to go to graduate school abroad, then I would have to think of relocation arrangements not only for myself, but for another person. I'm also afraid of growing old. All of my friends who are unmarried look at least 10 years younger than their real age. They said that unmarried people look younger because they have no worries and it could be a form of selfishness. I'd have to disagree with that argument because some single people can dedicate the rest of their lives to a noble cause without having to be worried about the boring details of everyday married life.

I have so many dreams and I feel I have so little time. I was not born to walk on a single path. Just because I like to keep moving, doesn't mean I don't have a sense of where I am going. I know exactly what I want. Whether fortunate or not, there are so many things I just feel I have to do with my life. Like I've always said, I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 40 and realize that there are some things I failed to do in my life. I feel so driven by my goals that I do not want to stop and wait for another person.

Arrrggghhhhhhhh......

2004-12-24T02:18:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought that everything was set and that I was going to start working on January 3, another company called me yesterday. I had my first interview this morning. Initially, they were considering me for a training job, but after talking to me, they decided to consider me for another position. So they asked me to go to a second interview on Tuesday with the head of H.R. So now, everything is up in the air again!

We'll see what happens. Sometimes though, uncertainty can be really aggravating.

Can Someone Tell Me Why?

2004-12-22T04:33:00.000+08:00

I can't believe all the coverage they gave the FPJ funeral. I also can't believe how hypocritical and opportunistic a lot of his supposed friends in the film industry and politics are. I can't believe that the government is going to give him recognition in order to become more popular with the masses. Doesn't anybody have principles anymore?

Honestly, can anyone name me one truly great and original Filipino film that he made? When I was growing up, my father was one of FPJ's biggest fans and he would line up to watch his films. I saw some of them and I ended up sleeping through all of them. Yet now, he is being canonized as one of the greatest figures in Philippine Cinema. I'm sorry if I really cannot relate. I watch a lot of Filipino movies and none of FPJ's films will be in my Top 10 Filipino Movies.

This is one moment in history that really convinces me to leave this country. There I said it. Thank God we have cable. At least I can watch other things on television. Thank God also that they didn't preempt the regular primetime schedule. I still got to watch Mulawin which I follow quite regularly these days. Hahahahahaha!

The Start of A New Life

2004-12-22T02:42:00.000+08:00

Just this afternoon, I decided to accept a job offer. I'll be working as a Customer Care Skills Trainer for a specific department at 1 of the call centers. It's not exactly the way I want my career to go, but I also need to be practical. I can't forever be unemployed and dependent on my savings. At the same time though, I need to consider that I am not ready to handle an extremely high-stress job at the moment. So this decision seems to be a good compromise between my needs and my wants. At least I'll already be earning while I continue to build on my ultimate dreams.

I'll be starting my new job on January 3, 2005. It sounds just right because with the new year also comes a new job. As with everything in my life, I'll give this new career a shot. Who knows, it might turn out to be where I would be happy? As long as I don’t mess up my life again, then I think I'll be fine. Plus, with my gym membership, I'll be better equipped to handle my stress at the office. At least if I feel frustrated at any point, then I can just take it all out on the treadmill.

2046

2004-12-17T03:03:00.000+08:00

If it's still showing in the cinema, I only have 3 words for you: "Go watch it!"

Yes, I am a die-hard Wong Kar-Wai fan.

Plus, Tony Leung Chiu Wai is the only Chinese actor I find attractive.

Gym Story

2004-12-17T02:58:00.000+08:00

For about a week now, I've been going to the gym almost every day. I alternate between my cardio workout and my weight training. I can do that because the gym is very close to our house and they have a lot of other branches within the city. Anyway, last Monday I got my program from my trainer. They assigned me to work with this girl who was probably about 2 years younger than me. We had a very interesting conversation while I was on the bike.

Trainer: Ilang taon na po ba kayo?
Me: 26 na ako.
Trainer: Naku, akala ko mas bata pa kayo. Married na po ba kayo?
Me: Nooooooo!!!!!!
Trainer: Parang napakalakas ng reaksyon niyo sa tanong ko. Wala po ba kayong bf?
Me: Wala 'no!
Trainer: Bakit po? May itsura naman kayo?
Me: Ewan ko, Takot ata ang mga lalaki sa akin eh! Lalo na sa dati kong work, malabo talagang may makakalapit sa akin. Besides nawalan na ako ng time.
Trainer: Mukha nga.
Me: Anyway, sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, kung bibigyan ako ni God ng someone who will accept my as I am, then tatanggapin ko. Kung hindi naman, at peace na rin ako with the possibility na magiging old maid ako.
Trainer: Saan po ba kayo nag-aral?
Me: Ateneo.
Trainer: Kaya naman pala takot ang mga guys sa inyo eh! Ang taray naman pala ng school niyo!

Sigh……………

Dark Mood

2004-12-17T02:56:00.000+08:00

I haven't written anything in my blog for the last week because I've been a little busy. I've been going through a lot of interviews and suddenly I find myself with 2 job offers. A 3rd one is in the pipeline, but I'm not sure when that will finally push through.

I can't say that I'm really excited with my career prospects at the moment. I don't know. Maybe I'm a little jaded or maybe a little impatient. I feel like I'm trapped in a situation where I can't go for my ultimate dream yet.

But I can't stay unemployed forever. Much as I would like to wait for my dream job, there are bills to pay and responsibilities to fulfill. At least I can say though that I am much saner at this point in my life and a lot more focused on what I want. The goal is, to save enough money and get out of the Philippines.

I thought that by coming back I would be happy. It turns out, this can't be my home anymore. It wasn't Singapore either, so I have not regrets about leaving that place. My 26th year will be another test of character. Gosh, who said growing up was easy?

The thing about me is that I don't depend on my family for anything. Yes, I do live with my sister, but it's on my terms. Ever since I got my first paycheck, I have never asked anything from her. I never even borrowed money from her even when I was dead broke. If she buys me things, it's her choice. I could take a year off and be a bum if I had parents who would support me. The thing is, I don't. Since 3rd year high school, my parents were no longer paying for my education. I was already on a scholarship. That's one major reason why we never had the traditional relationship. My parents couldn't force me to do anything because I was already independent at a young age.

Even with my current unemployed status, I am self-supporting. I would like to keep it that way. I don't know, maybe a week or 2 from now, my mind will be clearer. I'll be able to write a more upbeat post. Don't count on me right now though, I'm in one of my pretty dark mood swings.

Going Back To The Gym....

2004-12-08T02:37:00.000+08:00

I'll be going back to the gym next week.:) A friend of a friend is passing to me her membership. Since she won't be able to finish her contract, she'll just pass it to me. Yeah it means an additional monthly expense, but I really do need the exercise now.:)

Motherhood

2004-12-06T04:09:00.000+08:00

I don't have children and I don't intend to have any in the near future. I can't afford to raise one and I don't think I have the time to take care of one. But I have to admit, the motherhood instinct is already kicking in.

20-30 years ago, a girl my age would already probably be married and have 3 kids. But with today's fast-paced lifestyle and greater range of opportunities available to women, more and more girls are choosing to defer marriage for the sake of their career. A few years ago, I made my choice and I became totally obsessed with my career goals. I never noticed that I was missing out on something. That was until I turned 25.

Suddenly, I find myself staring at babies in the mall, wondering what it would be like to have one of those. These days, I ask myself what if I actually took that marriage proposal 3 years ago seriously and decided to spend the rest of my life with just one person? There are times when I wonder what if I opted for the simple life in the suburbs, instead of fighting it out in the dog-eat-dog environment of the corporate setting?

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any regrets about my life so far. What really triggered this whole train of questions is that I noticed that I seem to be really attached to my 3 pets. I worry about them constantly. I bring them to the vet for their check-ups, vaccinations and medical treatments. I often find myself buying toys for them on impulse. I worry about their diet and always check if they are healthy. I hug them all the time and run around the house chasing them because I know their favorite games. I bring one of them to the mall so we can walk in the park. Gosh, I even dream of buying them clothes they could wear. All of them have grown up to be the ultimate spoiled brats, but I have never loved them any less. Now imagine if they were human children instead of cats. What a scary thought!

How Many More Malls Do We Need?

2004-12-06T04:08:00.000+08:00

If our economy is in such a terrible state, I really cannot understand why we have so many malls! Just this month, a new mall opened 10 minutes away from my house. Then this weekend, I went to Gateway, the new mall in Cubao.

Cubao has a special place in my mind. I spent most of my growing up years there, so no matter how seedy it got, I never felt out of place. I know my way around the area pretty well and am not afraid to go there on my own. It's where I learned to become street smart and I have a lot of fond childhood shopping memories.

Imagine all my memories getting jarred this weekend. Going to Gateway was a surreal experience for me. The mall feels so out of place in the landscape of Cubao. All these expensive brand name shops were there, including Mango, Marks and Spencer, Nine West, etc. Ironically, about 2 minutes away from the Gateway Mall is Farmers Plaza, which is like a haven for bargain shops.

I feel totally uncomfortable in Gateway. There's something about it that doesn't feel right. Maybe the developers are hoping to make Cubao a more upscale location. I don't know what their plans are, but I definitely don't see myself spending my weekends there in the near future.

2 Movies

2004-12-06T04:03:00.000+08:00

This week I managed to watch 2 new movies that opened: Bridget Jones Diary 2 and Pa-Siyam.

1) "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" continues from where the first one left off. Bridget is now happily settling into her relationship with Mark Darcy. Things get a little complicated though when she suspects him of having an affair with his colleague. The situation gets even murkier when Bridget ends up working with Daniel Cleaver again. With all of these things happening at the same time, will the ending "And they lived happily ever after." hold true for Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy?

Compared to the first one, this sequel is pretty flat. Nothing much happens and the story is pretty boring. This time watching Bridget make the best of disastrous situations is not even funny to watch. It can be even quite painful. I wasn't even a big fan of the first movie, so I already had low expectations for the sequel. Sadly, I really couldn't find any reason to fall in love with it.

2) "Pa-Siyam" was the new Filipino movie released this week. 5 siblings go home to their ancestral house in the province to attend to the wake of their mother. As dictated by tradition, they hold a 9-day vigil to pray for her soul. During that time though, many strange things happen in their house. Then they realize that their mother's soul is haunting them.

I liked this movie. The story is very simple and it didn't feel forced or artificial. It's not too literal like Feng Shui. (Note: I swear, when I saw that movie, I was really laughing the whole time!) The actors were pretty okay and no one went overboard. Although, sometimes I felt like I was watching a play instead of a movie. But maybe that was how they intended it to be. Hey, if it's a Filipino film that dares to be different, then I'm all for watching it.

Things I Promise To Myself

2004-12-01T01:01:00.000+08:00

1) I will extend my vacation until the last month of the year. There's no point in rushing. Besides, this self-imposed retreat is working wonders on my psychological well-being.

2) If I find myself too pressured already with external forces regarding my next career move, then I will have to change my environment.

3) I will try not to worry too much about what tomorrow will bring. I've managed to stay sane so far considering all the internal conflict I have to deal with in my life.

My Violent Nature

2004-11-30T02:07:00.000+08:00

I just miss the feeling of being in love with someone. There, I finally said it.

I met up with one of my friends this afternoon because she needed some company. She thought she had finally met the guy of her dreams, but she was kind of bummed out after he backed out on their date. After I gave her all the advice I thought she needed, we ended up talking about my non-existent love life and some sordid details of my past were brought up. She sort of told me that the last time I was drunk I was still talking about a certain person whose name we shall never mention in this blog. Yes, I do vaguely remember talking about him because I was semi-conscious at that time. She concluded that I really wasn't over this person because I keep all my feelings bottled up. She suggested that I talk about what I feel so that I will finally forget.

I don't want to talk about that. Besides whatever stuff I felt was so deep that I really do not have any way to express them except through uncontrolled rage and tears. If I really wanted to get rid of all that I feel, then I would have to be left in a room with him for 1 hour, so I can finally beat the crap out of him. The problem is I never got the chance to do so because I've always tried to control myself around him. The guy was so physically fragile that I could give him a bruise with just one punch. The last time I saw him I kicked him once and he cried. He went away from my sight whimpering and has lived in fear of me since then. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this like a reasonable person?

Actually, come to think of it, I would be the perfect candidate for an anger management class. I'm an extremely patient person, but the problem with me is that when I get mad, I'm really scary. I don't know how to handle anger properly. There was one time in college, I got really angry with 1 person and I ended up hitting the wall about 5 times. In another rare case when I got really mad with someone, I just stopped speaking to the person for 5 years. We're really good friends now, but it was only because he fought really hard for the friendship despite the fact that I also ended up punching him many times.

I will just bury all the memories like I have for the last 4 years. I lost all of the cards he gave me and threw away all of his ugly gifts. I only have 2 pictures of him left in my album. Maybe I should burn that already to erase him completely forever.

Corregidor

2004-11-27T02:42:00.000+08:00

I'm really, really sleepy right now because I woke up at 5 AM yesterday. My sister and I decided to go to Corregidor purely on a whim. I discovered that if you only have 2 days to prepare for an out-of town trip and don't intend on driving anywhere, the best place to go would be Corregidor. It's a history lesson and a nature trip all rolled into 1.

To get to Corregidor, you just have to take a ferry from the CCP Ferry Terminal. We didn't even have reservations in our case. We just showed up before 7 AM and were the first in line once the cruise office opened. For a day-tour package which includes the following: 2-way ferry ride, buffet lunch, Malinta Tunnel Light Show and guided tour; you would spend roughly about 1600 pesos. One useful bit of information I found out from the tour flyers is that if you go on Monday or Wednesday, the whole package costs 50% less than it does on peak days. The ferry then leaves at 8 AM and you get to Corregidor 1 hour later.

Once you get to Corregidor, they already have tram buses waiting for you. The tour guides speak in either English or Japanese in order to tell the history of the island from the American side and the Japanese side. After everyone's settled down, you go around the island on the bus and visit various war ruins. We saw what little remained of the American structures and also various sites of gun batteries. If you get the more adventurous tour guide, he will even let you walk through various small tunnels on the island so you will have a better picture of what it was probably like to be a soldier in WWII.

One of the supposed highlights of the trip is the Malinta Tunnel light and sound show. It's an optional part of the journey but if you want to understand the historical significance of Corregidor in WWII, you might as well join the tour. The special effects aren't that great and the narration is a little tedious to listen to, but it's still the easiest way to learn about the island. One of the most important sites you will see during the trip is the Pacific War Memorial that commemorates the American war effort in the Asia-Pacific region. Personally, I preferred to wander among the ruins. There's an eerie feeling to them, but I was still drawn there.

At the time I went there, there weren't too many tourists. You have a lot of space to wander around and if you get the overnight package, you will have a lot of chances to go trekking on the marked trails. It's possible for you to get a lot of pretty nature shots depending on where you are on the island. There is no permanent civilian population, so all the original trees are still intact and in fact they are still planting new ones.

One thing I have to warn you about the place is that the food isn't great. Make sure you bring your own snacks in case you get hungry along the way. The tour bus though provides its own supplies, but it still costs more than regular prices.

I'm really not into Modern war history. In this century, you no longer need great generals and a real strategy to win a war. It now all boils down to which country has the best weapons and their efficiency in killing with just one shot. Everything's become so impersonal and this is especially reflected in military uniform. Nonetheless going to Corregidor, reminded me of how many people died all for the sake of their ideals. Whether you were fighting for the Americans or for the Japanese, they all believed in something. I'm glad that in one small corner of our country we still have a proper memorial for that so that future generations will not forget.

Alexander

2004-11-25T03:59:00.000+08:00

Today I watched one of the most awaited films of the year- Alexander. The film's director was Oliver Stone, and Colin Farrell was the main actor. Initially, I wasn't looking forward to watching it because Oliver Stone is known for directing slow and difficult films. At the same time, I've never been a big fan of Colin Farrell. However, once the film started rolling, I found myself slowly seduced by the movie until my mind was transported to a different time and place altogether.

Alexander begins with the death of one of the greatest rulers history has ever known. Quickly, the movie moves forward 40 years later when Ptolemy, who now rules Alexandria (Egypt), decides to tell his story of Alexander to one of the scribes in the great library of Alexandria. He begins his story with Alexander's childhood in Macedonia, where he grows up in a world full of violence under the influence of his overbearing mother Olympias. What saves him from becoming a complete brainless barbarian is that he becomes one of the students of Aristotle. Later on, we see his rise to power upon the death of his father. The thing is, Alexander is not content with becoming a strong ruler in his own land. He begins to dream of ruling the entire known world. This drives him to invade Persia and many other smaller kingdoms along the way. His ambitions become his life's meaning and his military campaigns bring him as far as India. He braves all sort of disasters, both natural and man-made, all for the sake of finding the edge of the world. Who knows how much more land he would have conquered had he not suddenly died at the age of 32?

I loved a lot of things about the movie. The story was riveting and never dragged unnecessarily. The battle scenes were quite awesome, especially the one set in Gaugamel.I have to say though, it was still nothing compared to the Battle of Pellenor Fields in Return of the King, but it does come in a close second. Colin Farrell was a great choice to play this very complex character. He manages to make the myth a human being without losing the essence of what made him a legend in the first place. Forget that horrible movie Troy. I'm betting this is the one that will be nominated next year for the Oscars. I'm definitely watching this film again a few more times over the next 2 weeks and I'll probably get the original DVD when it's released next year.

In Between

2004-11-25T03:57:00.000+08:00

As I was checking my mail at 1 AM, a friend of mine logged on to YM. We haven't seen each since graduation, but we had gotten in touch recently because of Friendster. Anyway, she ended up telling me all her current problems at 2 in the morning while we were chatting on YM. I just gave her some sensible advice on what to do about her current situation based on what I did when I was in the same spot.

Earlier that night, another friend called me up. He asked me to buy him a Spongebob necktie. We had been talking about this since last week and I kept on saying no. I ended up getting the tie for him, but we agreed that this was going to be his early Christmas present.

It's funny how sometimes my friends act like kids when they are with me. I don't mind it though and I don't resent them at all for that. I love most of them too much to ever get mad at them. Sometimes, I just find it ironic how an immature kid like me can manage being a grown up. I mean I still love collecting action figures. Yet at the same time at the back of my mind, I'm continuously preparing for the day when I can finally build my dream house. I used to party like there was no tomorrow, but I managed to hold on to a steady job for 4 years. I'm the youngest in my family, but I already bought a pension plan and a life plan. That means when I die no one will have to worry about the funeral expenses. You probably think I'm morbid and weird. I can’t help it if that's the way I think sometimes.

My ultimate dream in life is to have my own house with 12 cats, 2 labradors, and 2 children. If you're wondering about the husband, he's really just an optional feature. If I fall in love with a really great guy, then I'll marry him. If not, then it doesn't make a difference to me. After that, when I'm really old, my really close friends can come live with me if they have no other place to stay. You see I really have simple dreams in life. It's just that my ambition makes my life a little bit more complicated than it ought to be. That's who I am though and I'm learning to manage better these 2 different sides of me with each day that passes.

Movie Week

2004-11-22T03:48:00.000+08:00

Last week, I watched 3 new Filipino films and the latest Jerry Bruckheimer production. Here are the short reviews of each movie.

1) Santa-Santita: This is the latest film directed by Laurice Guillen. It stars Angelica Panganiban and Jericho Rosales. Angelica (Malen) plays the daughter of Hilda Koronel, a woman whom you pay to pray for you at Quiapo Church. It tells the story of Angelica's character as she rebels against everything her mother believes in, falls in love with the shady character played by Jericho and her major transformation when later on realizes that God has given her the gift of healing. I did enjoy watching the movie because it was different from typical Tagalog films. They used a new film format that really made a difference in the way the images appeared on screen. My only complaint would be that the musical score tended to be a bit too loud at times.

2) BCUZ OF U: After watching Santa-Santita, I watched the latest movie from Star Cinema. I really didn't like it that much because the movie was just too mushy for my taste. Plus I really, really hate the song. It features people making goo-goo eyes at each other half the time and saying really trite lines that seemed to have been lifted out of romance novels. Of the 3 love teams featured, I have to say though that the one with Hero Angeles and Sandara Park stood out because they were so refreshing and light. It turned out to be the most enjoyable episode of the movie. I still have no idea though how a Korean girl would end up living in the slums beside the railtracks.

3) Minsan Pa: I've always admired Jeffrey Jeturian's movies. He could work on a really tight budget and a light story, but he'll still come up with a film worth watching. So I was really looking forward to watching this film. The movie tells the story of a tour guide (played by Jomari Yllana) who meets and falls in love with a teacher from Manila (played by Ara Mina). The problem is that she is already engaged to another man. You can fill in the blanks as to what happens next, but there are some twists in the story. The premise itself was interesting enough and the underwater shots looked really gorgeous, but I think the lead characters were really weak. Nothing much happens in the movie since it tries to show the everyday life of a middle class family in Cebu. For something like this to work though, you would need actors who can portray a wide range of emotions without having to say anything. It was a quality I did not see at all in either Ara Mina or Jomari Yllana. Too bad. I'd still recommend that you watch it though because it also tries to be different from the typical Tagalog movie.

4) National Treasure: This was the last film I watched last week. I don't want to write a long review about it because it is really is a rip-off of another film which I really loved- Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.

Dealing With Stuff

2004-11-17T01:57:00.000+08:00

This morning one of the closest friends of an ex called me. We had been sort of in touch via email when I was in Singapore and she just wanted to catch up with me now that I was back. We had not seen each other for a long time since the break-up but she was one of the people who I really got along with. She sort of missed me too because she knew I was a good person.

They never really heard my side of the story. I didn't really want to tell them because they were his friends and I wanted to respect his space. It's been a long time now so we sort of ended up talking about him. She always wondered why we really broke up. On my side, my reason for leaving was that I couldn't stand the arguments and the lies anymore. We were always fighting about my job, my late night-outs, my drinking and my friends. I also really never understood why he was always trying to court other girls despite the fact that we were together at that time. One time, I even caught him in Starbucks Katipunan on a date with another girl.

It was at that point when she told me what he had been telling them for the last few years as to why we broke up. He said, when he proposed to marry me before, he was really serious and when I said no because I wanted to focus on building a career first, he was genuinely heartbroken. He then felt that the relationship no longer had a point and didn't feel like going on. He had already been making plans of quitting his job, taking care of the kids and running a small business while I worked. He felt that single word from me completely shattered his world. That's why he started cheating on me.

It took me some time to process this information because we never really talked about it before. My reasons for leaving were clear but I didn't know his story behind it. Who knew how one word would have the powerful ramifications in both our lives and completely change the course of my own life? I didn't.

First there was anger on my part because I thought he was such an idiot. I only said "No." because I didn't want to marry him at that age. But I had every intention of marrying him at 28. I needed to build my career first, see the world, take up my Masters, and then finally settle down. Then at one point I felt sadness because I had no idea how much I had hurt him. All the while, I was so focused on my own pain that I didn't pause to think that maybe this other person was also hurt by what I did.

Eventually, I'm at that point where I am beginning to accept things as they are. It really wasn't meant to be. He's found someone else and he's happy with her. I've achieved my dreams just as I said I would and I'm beginning to build new ones now.

She asked me if there was still a possibility of us becoming friends. He'd like to open up the doors but he's really afraid that I would beat the crap out of him again. I just said, "I'd really rather not at this point in my life." There's too much excess baggage on both our parts. Plus, why mess up a good arrangement? Besides, things are where they are meant to be right now, I don't want to be a cause of disorder again.