Written on a Saturday Night

Here I am again alone on a Saturday night. I just finished watching “The Next Joe Millionaire” and “A Simple Life”. So now I am listening to my Linkin Park albums while reading “A Cook’s Tour” by Anthony Bourdain. Am I depressed? No. Strangely enough, I’m quite content at the moment.

Technically I have been officially single for almost 4 years now. I don’t want to consider my last pseudo-boyfriend as a real relationship because that situation was way too complicated. I don’t want to go into details because that story is so dead and done with on both our sides that we don’t even talk to each other anymore.

I have to say I’m manic-depressive about my status. Sometimes I feel proud and happy for being a strong and independent woman. On other days, I can feel really shitty about having to do stuff alone all the time. I have dinner alone. I watch movies alone. I go shopping alone. Hell, I’m even watching the Linkin Park concert this Tuesday alone. This being Singapore, I doubt it if there will be any riots during the concert. I don’t feel bad about it because it is my choice. I actually enjoy doing stuff on my own because it means, I have all the space I want and I can do whatever I please.

I guess my being a loner stems from my childhood. I was never allowed to play with the other neighborhood kids because I was too sickly so I just stayed at home reading my schoolbooks or any other thing I could get from the library. At the same time, having an overprotective family makes me crave for space all the time now that I am finally away from them.

But sometimes I do feel sad about being single. Whenever I watch movies, the ticket seller always has to ask me twice if I am getting only ONE TICKET. I have to repeat my answer most of the time and I am used to getting weird stares from them in the process. Sometimes I walk in the mall and I do admit feeling a tinge of envy when I see people being really affectionate with each other.

In the end however I realize I am so used to being alone that I doubt it if I could handle a real commitment. I don’t like the idea of someone calling me up at 2 AM asking me where I am while I am out with my friends. I don’t enjoy the thought of someone asking me to behave in a certain manner. I would hate it if someone told me to stop drinking or stop smoking because it’s bad for my health. Outside of my work, I like to do things when I feel like it and not because someone expects me to.

Yes I have gone out with people over the last few years, but they tend to bore me after a while. I like them at first and then later on, I find out their major flaw and I just leave. Someone told me that if I can find someone with half of the items on my list of “must-haves” then I should be content and happy. I just don’t feel right about it. If ever I were to end up with someone, I don’t want to settle for what’s there. I want to be sure that the person is everything I’ve always looked for. Even if my heart has become as cold as stone, I still believe that one day I’ll find that one person who will make me believe in happy endings again. Until then, I’ll be quite happy watching movies on my own.