Why I Am Feeling A Lot Better These Days....

When I was about 8 years old, I told myself I wanted to become a lawyer. When I was 14 years old, I told myself, I wanted to become a doctor. When I was 16, I wanted to become an archaeologist, which is why I wanted to take up History in college. Then as we all know, by a twist of fate, I ended up taking Philosophy in the university I used to hate back when I was in High School. I hated that place because I always had an impression that people who went to that school were stuck up snobs and my experience there for 4 years would prove me both right and wrong at the same time. Yes, there were the typical horrible rich kids who would look down on you just because you were not dressed up in the latest fashion. At the same time though, I also met the kindest and smartest people who were going to be part of my life for a long time even after the diplomas were handed out.

I always knew that I was going to have to take a course related to the Arts and not the Sciences. If I forced myself to take Management, I knew that I would have flunked out in less than a year. So I had to choose between Literature and Philosophy. Since there was already one Literature major in the family, I opted for the latter.

Even though I chose to take Philosophy because I wanted to, I struggled through most of my Philosophy classes. At 18, I really knew nothing about life, so what could I say about being, death, loss, love and truth? Whatever I knew about these things, more than likely I just read from books so I was stuck on a purely conceptual level. Whenever I would be asked to answer that final question in my oral exams that would guarantee me an A, I would be stumped. I had absolutely no idea how to carry further the lessons that I learned in the classroom.

Despite all the near flunking experiences I had, I never regretted a single moment that I was in Philosophy. It was the happiest time of my life. Yes, I had the usual angst like most teenagers, but I was into something that I was really in love with. It was definitely something I could be passionate about.

In my last year of college, I found myself really lost. I had absolutely no idea what to do with the rest of my life. At least Management majors could join corporations and become managers. Scientists could either teach or become researchers. As for Philosophers, people expected us to go to law school or become teachers. It was at that point that I decided I wanted to prove people wrong. I wanted to say that Philosophers could have normal jobs like the rest of the population. Besides, I didn’t want to take any of the 2 options at that point.

I actually wanted to join the Jesuit Volunteers of the Philippines program. Unfortunately, at that time, I had a boyfriend who cried every single time I told him I wanted to be assigned in a faraway province and help people. Later on, he would use the same method when he wanted me to give up other things I loved doing. I allowed myself to be manipulated like that for a little over a year. Luckily, I came to my senses and got out eventually. There was also another reason why I could not go for this dream, I had responsibilities to my family at that time, especially since my Mom became ill. So I ended up taking the corporate path.

Over the next few years, I found myself trying to pretend that I was a normal person. At first, I tried to be myself, but I ended up being so misunderstood that I quit my first job after 4 months. I tried to dress like everyone else. At one point, I even tried wearing make-up just to fit in. I tried to be interested in the same topics that everyone liked to discuss in the office. However, the more I tried to conform, the clearer it became to me that I was different. So I ended up leading a double life. In the office, I would pretend to be interested only in making more money and getting the next promotion. Outside, I would hang out with my friends, do a lot of crazy things and I was not afraid to speak out my mind freely.

Leading a double life though will catch up with you eventually. It already did with me. I got to the point where I became so miserable because my corporate persona was taking over the REAL me. I was not happy with the person I had become. Instead of getting better, things got worse. I felt like I was condemned to live this life forever, but I was lucky that somehow just at the right moment, I got my answer.

I’m still in the corporate world at the moment. However, the difference is I now know what I want and how to get there. I already have clear plan how much I need to save in order to leave all of this behind. After that, I plan on pursuing my dream of going to graduate school. This time, I am pretty sure that I am going to take Philosophy. I have made a stand and I am not going to take my M.B.A. just because that is what is expected of me. I do not know yet when or where, but this is the dream that gives me the energy to wake up every morning and go to work. The moment I decided that this is what I really wanted to do with my life, everything made more sense. It won’t be that long. I just need to do this for another 13 months. Then one day I will wake up and I will be once more living out another of my dreams.