My Violent Nature

I just miss the feeling of being in love with someone. There, I finally said it.

I met up with one of my friends this afternoon because she needed some company. She thought she had finally met the guy of her dreams, but she was kind of bummed out after he backed out on their date. After I gave her all the advice I thought she needed, we ended up talking about my non-existent love life and some sordid details of my past were brought up. She sort of told me that the last time I was drunk I was still talking about a certain person whose name we shall never mention in this blog. Yes, I do vaguely remember talking about him because I was semi-conscious at that time. She concluded that I really wasn't over this person because I keep all my feelings bottled up. She suggested that I talk about what I feel so that I will finally forget.

I don't want to talk about that. Besides whatever stuff I felt was so deep that I really do not have any way to express them except through uncontrolled rage and tears. If I really wanted to get rid of all that I feel, then I would have to be left in a room with him for 1 hour, so I can finally beat the crap out of him. The problem is I never got the chance to do so because I've always tried to control myself around him. The guy was so physically fragile that I could give him a bruise with just one punch. The last time I saw him I kicked him once and he cried. He went away from my sight whimpering and has lived in fear of me since then. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this like a reasonable person?

Actually, come to think of it, I would be the perfect candidate for an anger management class. I'm an extremely patient person, but the problem with me is that when I get mad, I'm really scary. I don't know how to handle anger properly. There was one time in college, I got really angry with 1 person and I ended up hitting the wall about 5 times. In another rare case when I got really mad with someone, I just stopped speaking to the person for 5 years. We're really good friends now, but it was only because he fought really hard for the friendship despite the fact that I also ended up punching him many times.

I will just bury all the memories like I have for the last 4 years. I lost all of the cards he gave me and threw away all of his ugly gifts. I only have 2 pictures of him left in my album. Maybe I should burn that already to erase him completely forever.