Choices

I have long wanted to write a post about choices. I guess I've been reading my other friend's blogs and a lot of them are in the same stage as I am right now where they are starting a family, raising a young child and trying to find the balance between having a career and keeping a marriage together. It's interesting to see the dynamics of how each family works.

I admit that my life is not the typical setup. Let me go out and say it. I am the sort of person whom you would hate to work with in the office. I am competitive and will do almost anything to get to the top of the pack. Honestly, I don't know where that came from. I used to be so nice back in high school and college. Then when I started working, ambition consumed me. In my early 20's, I was always the youngest in whatever job I was doing.

Then as most of you know, at 26 I got burned out. I took a break and went back to work only when it became necessary. I thought that by then I had changed. For some reason though, I fell into the same pattern and starting rushing through life again and pushing people along the way.

Then at 28, out of the blue, I had a kid. It was never a priority, but when it came, I was happy and didn't regret a single moment of it. The doctors I went to, told me I was lucky I had a baby when technically, it should have been difficult for me to conceive. For me, it was a greater miracle that I gave birth to her normally and that she turned out to be such a happy, smart baby considering the environment I was in and the schedule I kept was not conducive at all to conceiving.

After I gave birth, I made sort of a decision to slow down. I decided not to try out for a higher position because like what I told my husband, my current job already gave me very little time as it was for the family, what more if I had decided at that point to pursue that next role.

Today, my daughter is 2 years old. I am still working weird hours. In fact, my life is even crazier now because I have expanded my responsibility. When we eventually recover from this fucked up financial crisis, I know I will be ready to look for another opportunity to grow in my career.

Do I want to go for the next big thing? I would be honest and say yes. Do I realize what I am giving up? I know. How do I feel about it? Honestly, I am confused. Am I ready to give up everything I built up in the last 8 years for the sake of having a normal family life? Not quite yet.

Bryan and I talk about these questions almost everyday. I work because I want our family to have a comfortable life. I work because I want both of us to have the ability to help our original families without question. I work because I don't want to place all the burden on him. Yeah, I know men are supposed to be the provider, blah, blah, blah. But I think the reason why I am happy in my marriage is that we both believe in equal rights and responsibilties. He's so liberal and forward-thinking which is why I respect him. When we first met, my career was way ahead of his, but it was never an issue. He's never asked me to give up my career and I don't think he ever will, which is cool. Right now though, he's asking me to just make 1 change in my life, which is my schedule. It's hard not to see each other for 2 days straight sometimes because both of our schedule.

Eventually I will make that change. I just don't know when. Until then, we have to make the most of what we have for now.