The Insane Rambling Post
Again I find myself facing a familiar pattern in my life...
Anyway, I made my choice months ago and I don't regret it. I knew back then it was the wrong decision for me personally, but the right decision for a whole lot of other people involved.
But then, there are limits to selflessnes. Hmm....come to think of it, that doesn't really make sense.
This post is me trying to make sense of the millions of thoughts running through my head right now...
Where to live? Where to work? What to do? Where is the old risk-taking me who wasn't afraid of the unknown? Did motherhood change me? Did marriage change me?
I can no longer make decisions without having to negotitiate with the other party who will be affected in a deeply profound way. I never let his decisions affect mine, but why does he react differently when I make my decisions? To him, everything is a conjunction. To me, I'm still living a separate life that just happened to get hooked up to someone else's life.... Probably the reasons why we've had clashes for about a week now.
Nothing to worry about though. I'm not breaking up with my husband. I think we're just going through the natural progression of growing up as people. We don't love each other less, we're just trying our best to understand where each one is coming from. We're talking about it. I have to learn how to give a little more. I have to learn that my life is no longer made up of 1 piece of luggage and 1 shelf of books.
Who I am I to say what he has to learn. I don't want to assume I know what is right or wrong. I guess he's figuring that out himself as well.....
It's clear to me. I want to continue working. I just don't want to continue working in the same place. I can't move on though unless I let go. Where I am right now represents security. I can't open myself up to possibilities unless I let go of the dry ground I'm hanging on to. That's why I'm leaving. I don't think a vacation will fix this because I already did that and when I came back the same problems were still there. I stayed as long as I could, fixed as much as I could. But then, someone should carry on and I think I've done as much as I could already...
Sorry if this post doesn't make sense....In a few days, things will get clearer and I'll post something saner...
Anyway, I made my choice months ago and I don't regret it. I knew back then it was the wrong decision for me personally, but the right decision for a whole lot of other people involved.
But then, there are limits to selflessnes. Hmm....come to think of it, that doesn't really make sense.
This post is me trying to make sense of the millions of thoughts running through my head right now...
Where to live? Where to work? What to do? Where is the old risk-taking me who wasn't afraid of the unknown? Did motherhood change me? Did marriage change me?
I can no longer make decisions without having to negotitiate with the other party who will be affected in a deeply profound way. I never let his decisions affect mine, but why does he react differently when I make my decisions? To him, everything is a conjunction. To me, I'm still living a separate life that just happened to get hooked up to someone else's life.... Probably the reasons why we've had clashes for about a week now.
Nothing to worry about though. I'm not breaking up with my husband. I think we're just going through the natural progression of growing up as people. We don't love each other less, we're just trying our best to understand where each one is coming from. We're talking about it. I have to learn how to give a little more. I have to learn that my life is no longer made up of 1 piece of luggage and 1 shelf of books.
Who I am I to say what he has to learn. I don't want to assume I know what is right or wrong. I guess he's figuring that out himself as well.....
It's clear to me. I want to continue working. I just don't want to continue working in the same place. I can't move on though unless I let go. Where I am right now represents security. I can't open myself up to possibilities unless I let go of the dry ground I'm hanging on to. That's why I'm leaving. I don't think a vacation will fix this because I already did that and when I came back the same problems were still there. I stayed as long as I could, fixed as much as I could. But then, someone should carry on and I think I've done as much as I could already...
Sorry if this post doesn't make sense....In a few days, things will get clearer and I'll post something saner...
posted by wilgefortis @ 1:11 PM
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