The Aftermath

I already submitted my resignation letter last Friday night. The last time I did this was about 5 years ago so you can imagine how hard it was for me to do again. I had to check the Internet for the proper format and find ideas for how to put painful truths in a more diplomatic manner.  I also asked my friends to edit it for me just to make sure I got everything right. The important thing is that it's done.   After sending my resignation letter via email, I went out to meet some of my friends. It was raining, but this time I was no longer afraid of the rain. For the first time in 3 years, I walked in it. It was like I suddenly felt alive again. I felt like I had finally freed myself from what was holding me back from becoming who I truly am meant to be.   I finally had THE CONVERSATION with my boss this afternoon. He was suddenly so nice to me today. He was even trying to get my sympathy by saying he fell down the stairs during the weekend so his back is not in good shape at the moment. He was even telling me how people have been giving such good feedback about me, so how could I think of leaving. It's just that people don't change overnight. He could be nice to me today, but who's to say he won't scream at me again 2 months from now at 2 AM in the morning.   Gosh, I guess it's really human nature that people will appreciate only what they had in the first place when they are about to lose it. He told me to think about my decision. We're supposed to have another talk tomorrow. However, the preparations for my return have already started back home, it will be highly unlikely that I will change my mind.   Once I file my resignation officially with our HR, I'm still his employee until August 31, 2004. So actually, this Friday I suddenly need to go to Malaysia again for another business trip. It kind of makes me feel sad that I shall be leaving this lifestyle soon, but then we all need to choose the path that makes us happy. I don't think people should spend their lives crying about their jobs.

My Nervous Breakdown Episode

Last night I had a nervous breakdown.  My colleague called me at half past midnight because she said my boss was really mad at me. I had no idea what I had done wrong again so I panicked and called him. It turns out he was really mad at me because of the proposal that I sent out that afternoon. He started ranting at me and telling me that I was unprofessional and my proposal was sooo bad that it was crap (words to that effect). I just lost it after that. I puit my heart into the proposal and people just come over and trample all over it. I started crying from 12:30 AM until 2 AM. When I couldn't take it anymore, I called my sister and 2 of my friends who I knew were awake at that time. They spoke to me and were all quite happy for me that I decided to go home. They all told me that what I was going through wasn't worth it even if I am earning 4 times more than what I used to earn in Manila. In fact, my sister told me that if I go home, I should take a long vacation. Funny, I woke up this morning dreading to go to work. Then I checked what my boss was screaming about...it was just a typographical error. I had placed Taiwan instead of Malaysia under one of the clauses for the proposal. The thing is, they were rushing me to make revisions even until 4:30 PM knowing that I had to send this out by 5 PM to the courier. Of course there is a huge chance for human error. I was already done with the proposal last Monday and I can't understand why they had to wait until the last minute to make changes. I am not sloppy with my work if you give me enough time to review it. I actually spoke to the client and we were laughing about the whole thing. Life doesn't end with 1 mistake. It was a huge mystery to me how people can blow it out of proportion. I'm writing my email to my boss tonight and sending it tomorrow so we can both think about things over the weekend. Hopefully, if things go as planned, I'll be out of here by the end of August. I don't see the point in suffering unnecessarily for my job when I know I have a shot a good life. Although of course there will have to be a lifestyle change. It doesn't really matter to me because I've experienced at least twice in my life what it is like to lose everything. It's not so bad, I'[ve always survived.  Plus, this is nothing compared to what I have had to go through in my life. Why am I going to let a fat b-----d and a scheming conniving b---h ruin my happiness?

Soundtrack of Spiderman 2

Over the last few days since I’ve had to keep sane while finishing a proposal, I’ve been listening to the official soundtrack of  “Spiderman 2”. Not all of the songs were played on the movie but there are some that I really like playing over and over again. Almost all of the songs are about loving people you can only love from a distance, living a life that was forced upon you and also about finding yourself. It’s really about stuff a lot of us are undergoing right now. We don’t have superpowers, but who hasn’t known what’s it’s like to be really frustrated because you can never have the one you love? Who doesn’t occasionally feel like just chucking their responsibilities in the wind and just going for the sort of life they really want? If you are going to get the album, I just need to tell you that there are no sappy love songs in there for the fans of sentimental slow songs.  It’s really a compilation from the popular rock bands of today.   I spoke to my friend Cecil last night and I promised I would post here the lyrics to one of my favorite songs from the album, so here it is:   Hold On by JET   You tried so hard to be someone That forgot who you are You tried to fill some emptiness Till all you had spilled over Now everything’s so far away That you don’t know where you are You are   (Chorus) When all that you wanted When all that you had don’t seem so much For you to hold on to For you to hold on to For you to belong to   When it’s hard to be yourself It’s not to be someone else Still everything’s so far away That you forget where you are You are   (Chorus) When all that you wanted When all that you had don’t seem so much For you to hold on to For you to hold on to Hold on   (Chorus) When all that you wanted When all that you had don’t seem so much For you to hold on to For you to hold on to For you to hold on to   For you to belong to

Bumming Around For A Weekend

Last week I was sooooo busy, I really had no time to post anything here. Since I finally finished the proposal I was writing yesterday, then I can breathe for today. Before anything else, please congratulate me for finishing my Level 1 of Conversational Mandarin Chinese. That doesn’t mean I can already speak Chinese, but I can understand some of the words already. Plus, I can already count and sing “Happy Birthday!” in Chinese.   Last, last weekend, I ended up camping out at my friend’s house and watching movies the whole time. I started my movie marathon on Friday night, by watching “Mean Girls” with a couple of people. Then on Saturday, I watched “American Wedding” and “40 Days and 40 Nights”. On Sunday I decided to watch “Sense and Sensibility” for the nth time. I didn’t mind because it is one of my all time favorite films.   I thought “Mean Girls” was going to be the typical teenage film where silly girls chase after dorky guys. I was surprised when I actually enjoyed watching the film. It was funny, smart and actually had something to say how bad teenage girls can be to each other. Actually in real life, this also applies to how grown-up women behave especially if they are working in corporations. Hahahahaha!   An interesting point the movie raises is how smart women have to pretend that they are helpless in order to get a guy interested in them. I never really got that about men. They always need to feel like they are in control of the situation or know more than others. Oooppss….I think we better change the topic before I start complaining about guys again.   After watching the movie, my friend invited me to camp over at her place. So the next day, since we were both really tired, we just decided to stay at her place and watch DVDs. I ended up watching “American Wedding” and “40 Days and 40 Nights”. I needed to watch movies that didn’t really require me to think. I wasn’t able to catch them in Manila because at the time they were showing, I was too busy preparing for my relocation to Singapore.   I never really liked the “American Pie” series. I guess I’ve never really been comfortable with typical “guy humor”. I don’t think you need to make jokes about sex all the time just to get some laughs from your audience.  I ended up watching the first 2 movies because people were always dragging me to watch with them. By the third film, the jokes have become too stale and lame so I was bored within the first 30 minutes. Plus the story was really muddled up. The writers had no idea if they really wanted to go for the shock factor again or if they wanted a wholesome family film. The audience ends up just as confused as them. Even if I didn’t really find the film funny, I watched it because I just wanted to see how the whole series ended. Honestly, I thought the way they closed it was just too sentimental for me. I guess I just can’t relate with the idea of settling down for good with someone since marriage is definitely out of the question for me at the moment.   “40 Days and 40 Nights” was another movie about men, but it had a different premise. The lead character played by Josh Hartnett decides to become completely celibate for 40 days as his sacrifice for the Lenten season. Of course, he had to be Catholic because Catholics seem to have the most guilt about sex as compared to most other religions. It wasn’t such a bad film. I’ve just never been a fan of Josh Hartnett because I think he’s handsome but boring. Also I just didn’t see the big deal about not having sex at all for 40 days. Some people can go for years without it. Well, I guess I also would not be able to understand his situation since I’m not a guy.   The last movie I watched from my friend’s DVD stack was “Sense and Sensibility”.  It’s still one of my all –time favorite romantic films, so there’s really no point in my writing about it. I loved the way Emma Thompson adapted Jane Austen’s book for the big screen. I could totally relate with Kate Winslet’s character. It was actually after watching that film that I decided she would play me if my life were made into a movie. Then there’s Hugh Grant, who will always be the perfect guy for romantic comedies because you can make him do ridiculous things, but he’ll still always be very charming.   So that’s how I bummed around for one whole weekend.

Work-Related Blues

5 Signs You've Stayed Far Too Long In Your Job:

1. You strat feeling depressed for no reason.
2. You start getting sick - headaches, ulcers, colds, etc.
3. You hate at least 75% of the people you work with.
4. You avidly wait for the weekend.
5. You start BLOGGING during your work hours.

This is one of those days when I wish I could just go home and sleep. I had a really LONG day yesterday (imagine going on 1 day- overseas trip!) and I was thinking of going on leave. As if I could do that! I think my presentation yesterday worked because the prospect is already requesting for a proposal from us. The problem is, the deadline is next week. Oh well, what can I do? You can't really demand from the client that they change their time frame and wait for us right? So I only have today and tomorrow to do the information gathering, requirements analysis and writing the usual marketing shit I include in proposals. I think I'm already getting an ulcer.

Gosh, this work is killing me. If only I had enough money, I would pack my bags and leave tomorrow. But what I have saved isn't enough. I still need to bear with this for 13 months more. Actually, if I had not been practical for the last 3 years of my life, I should have left this company a long time ago. I just always had a reason to stay like, "I need to wait for my bonus." or "Ooopss...they offered me a better job." But every additional year I spent here, made me feel like my life was being sucked out of me.

I think I'm hitting rock bottom right now. I feel like an empty shell, a being without a soul, simply floating across this desert called lfe. I just need more time to fix my financial status. Unlike some people who can depend on family memebers to help them out, I am completely on my own. So if I quit, I need to make sure I can support myself for at least 6 months of bumming around.

At The Changi Airport

Been busy the whole week preparing for a business presentation. That's why I have made no updates. Anyway, I'm at the Changi Airport (Singapore) right now on my way to Malaysia. I'll be back tonight and tomorrow I'll be posting quite a number of things I have on my mind right now.

Wish me luck on my presentation!

Readings....

My sister went to our suking manghuhula (fortune teller) yesterday. I know there are some conservative Catholics who disapprove of people going to fortune-tellers, astrologers and psychics. To me though, I see nothing wrong with that. A good fortune teller will help clarify for you possible consequences your decisions may have. They could warn you of any dangers that may come your way. However, a true fortune teller, psychic or astrologer will always acknowledege that everything boils down to the choices we make and that we always have the power to change our destiny. So in a way, my readings are a form of therapy for me and not really a way of finding out what will happen in the future.

Anyway, I asked her about certain decisions in my life that I have made recently and she says I am on the right track. I think I don't need a fortune teller to tell me that. As it has always been in my life, once I have set my heart on something, nothing ever stops me from achieving that goal. I also wanted to ask her about certain people in the office and the big question, "Who can I trust?". I got some pretty interesting replies.

Anyway, it's the start of my favorite time of the week....the weekend!!!! Leaving the office now to watch a movie with one of my friends. Done with all my reports so I am free already!

Amazing Race 5

Last night was the first episode for the new season of the Amazing Race, one of my favorite reality TV programs. I watched the 90-minute premiere so I could find out who the contestants are and I wasn’t disappointed with the show! It’s still one of the coolest concepts they ever developed for reality TV. Imagine running around all over the world on an adventure with the one person whom you consider to be your closest friend/closest relative. The potential for genuine human drama is always there. Plus, they really open to the viewers all the possibilities of world travel. I like how given the fast-pace of the program and the short time they have, the producers still manage to show the local flavor of each country they visit.

I haven’t decided yet which team I am going to root for. No character has caught my attention yet. I do know though who I won’t be cheering for: Brandon and Nicole, the models who keep on trumpeting that they are Christians. Maybe I’ve always been uncomfortable with people who keep saying they will put all their trust in the Lord to win the race. It’s not that I am an atheist. There’s just a difference in the way I perceive my relationship with my faith.

At heart, I'll forever be a "Lonely Planet" traveller type. I don't see myself going on a guided tour or a luxury cruise. I'd rather go to a place for at least a week, stay in a cheap (but decent) hotel, search for good bargains and absorb the local culture.

10 Things I Would Do In September 2005

In about 13 months time, I will hopefully be finally free! What do I plan to do with that time?

1) Go on a VACATION for at least 3-6 months. Probably bum around in the mall. God, I miss the days when I had the luxury of time to just walk around aimlessly in Megamall.

2) Go to Boracay finally. I've never been a beach person but I know my friends would like to go, so maybe I'll give it a shot.

3) Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

4) Chase my cats around the house all day. They hate being hugged, but I don't care! I miss them so much every single day.

5) Find myself a date.

6) If I had the extra cash, I'd probably go to Venice. I was supposed to go this April but my boss didn't approve my leave. (What's new?)

7) Climb a mountain again.

8) Go on a retreat for a week.

9) Watch all the art film DVD's we have in Manila that I haven't seen.

10) Do some spring cleaning.

Postscript to My Definition of A Dream Guy Post

Since I published my post called "My Definition of a Dream Guy", the verdict seems to be unanimous- I am asking for the impossible. It's either he exists, but is probably gay or probably married. Or maybe he doesn't exist at all.

After my friend Cecil pointed out that my dream guy is defintely gay, I decided to test out her theory. You know how Blogger can link you up with people with the same interests as you? So I clicked on one of my favorite films and found a list of people who also had that same film on their own lists. I clicked on one of the profiles and voila, of course the person turns out to be a gay man who absolutely enjoys baking.

Everytime I tell my sister that I am interested in someone she automatically tells me, "I bet he's gay!" My boss here in the office is afraid to be seen hanging out with me because he's afraid of being mistaken for a gay man. That's because he just assumes that every single guy I hang out with is probably gay. I also have a reputation even in the Singapore office that I don't really know any straight men.

I don't care about what other people think about me. What is important is my friends know who I really am. I really just don't discriminate against people. If they are friendly, good and smart, it doesn't matter who they are or where they came from.

I'm still hoping to find my dream guy one day. If I never do, it's okay. Being alone isn't so bad. I believe the greater tragedy in life is choosing someone only because he was available and convenient. I don't want to spend the rest of life with a guy wondering if there was someone better out there for me. If I am to love someone again, I have to love him unconditionally, but hopefully not blindly anymore.

Music and Memories

My close friend here in Singapore gave me a CD compiling all the pop rock hits between 2000- 2002. I was listening to it over and over again the whole day. It made me realize that music plays a big role in helping us remember important people and events in our lives. It has the power to bring us back to the time when life was simpler. Having the benefit of hindsight, when I hear certain songs I can now laugh at the times I was a psycho ex-girlfriend, an alcoholic and dating the worst ever losers on this planet. I can also become wistful about the time when all I had to worry about was where next weekend's night out was going to be. I'm over that phase now in my life. Everything is pretty much in order and I have more grown up things to worry about now. I'm pretty much sober 90% of the time. Just don't let me stay more than 2 weeks in Manila.:)

Since I am in a reminiscing sort of mood today, I have compiled the Top 10 Songs that would be stored on my laptop if I had enough space. If you know me well enough, you can actually play a guessing game of which big event or who I am reminded of everytime I hear these songs. I will not apologize for my terrible taste in music. This is just me.:)

The Songs: (in no particular order)

1) Someday We'll Know (the original New Radicals version and not Mandy Moore)
2) Everything You Want (Vertical Horizon)
3) I'll Be(Edwin McCain)
4) Barely Breathing (Duncan Sheik)
5) If Your'e Gone (Matchbox 20)
6) Iris (Goo Goo Dolls)
7) My Immortal (Evanescence)
8) Your Song (Elton John)
9) This I Promise You (N'Sync)- only because this is going to be played at my wedding if by some miracle I actually marry anyone.
10) I Think God Can Explain (Splender)

I'll come up with a second list maybe a few weeks from now.

Spiderman 2: The Super Hero Movie That Made Me Cry

I spent my entire Saturday working in the office. Mercifully at 8:30 PM, I was done with the reports I had to finish, so I had enough time to run to the mall and catch Spiderman 2.

I wasn't really expecting much when I bought my ticket. I was just glad that a new movie was opening this week. With Singapore being the most boring place on earth, the only things I have to look forward to every weekend are the new movies. I mean, I enjoyed the first film, but I didn't feel like I would like to watch it over and over again.

I found myself pleasantly surprised that within the first 10 minutes of the film, I already felt a lump in my throat and I struggled to hold back the tears in my eyes. I actually cared about this character- Spiderman! Normally, when we watch films based on super hero characters, we feel no sympathy for them whatsoever because we know they have powers that give them advantages over the rest of humanity. However, Tobey Maguire manages to portray the vulnerability and internal conflict of Spiderman without having to resort to cheap acting tricks lesser actors would use. He shows us that super heroes DON'T have it all.

After the Green Goblin in the first movie, we all ask how much worse could the next villain be? In comes Doc Ock, who is brilliantly portrayed by Alfred Molina. He's more powerful, more brillant and even smarter than Green Goblin. His experiment has even greater potential for destruction. One of the best things I have always appreciated about this series is that the villains are not one-dimensional caricatures of what it means to be evil. They fully explore the possibilities of this one statement, "There is a thin line that separates genuis from madness."

I love this movie because unlike most action films, this one finds its heart in the story and does not rely too much on the improved special effects. Everything in the script is tied so neatly together that there are no loose ends we have to figure out. You know why one character is there and you know the future roles they will play in the sequel if you are familiar with the original Spiderman comic books.

Although this movie has many sentimental moments, it manages not to become melodramatic. They don't extend the emotional scenes beyond the point that would make it cheesy instead of effective. You really see how the characters have grown from the first film. More importantly, the movie emphasizes the importance of choice and responsibility. Too often we blame our situation on fate and destiny forgetting that we are the ones who make the choices that shape our lives for better or for worse.

I'm definitely looking forward to Spiderman 3 now! If it still has the same cast and the same director and the same scriptwriters, I'm sure it can only get better.

This is why I never had a blog....

This is why I never maintained a journal in my entire life. I find it too hard to sustain my enthusiasm for writing down all my experiences and thoughts on a daily basis. I am brimming with ideas for stuff to write but there is just so little time.

I was supposed to have a meeting in Malaysia this Friday, but the prospect decided to move it to Wednesday next week. Flying in on the 8:30 AM flight and leaving on the 6:50 PM flight.

Anyway, maybe tonight since I need to stay in the office late, I will have time to add entries to my journal.