The End of 2004

As I write this entry it is now December 31, 2004- the last day of the year. It's 5 AM in the morning and I still can't sleep. So I just decided to look back on the year that was.

If 2003, was the year of my greatest tragedy and greatest success, 2004 would be the year of self- discovery. I learned so many valuable lessons about life that I will always think back and say that this is the year when I finally grew up. There were definitely no regrets about any decisions I made. After everything was said and done, I became wiser and more responsible. What else could I ask for?

This was the year when I finally appreciated everything I had in the first place. I have the most caring (even if sometimes crazy) friends on earth and a wonderful (even if flawed) immediate family. Plus, no matter where I go and no matter how bad it gets, the Philippines will always be my home.

This was the year when I found my own strength. I am not afraid anymore to be alone. If I have to, I know I can finally stand on my own 2 feet and not have anyone dictating how my life should work out. I also finally overcame my alcohol addiction after years of fighting what I thought would be a losing battle.

So how did I end this year? I spent the start of the last day of the year in a bar called Government, which is somewhere in Makati. I was just hanging out with Paul and some new friends I made today. We didn't really plan on going there. It was just one of those spur of the moment decisions which turned out to be quite fun. Paul and I only danced for a few hours and we decided to go home a little earlier this time, which was around 2 AM. I know that my party-girl side is still there in me, I'm just a lot more subdued nowadays. I guess I've really outgrown that stage in my life, but I don't mind going back once in a while.

After leaving Government, Paul and I decided to have a midnight snack at Wendy's, which was on the next block. While seated there, there was this guy who kept on walking in front of the shop waving the roses he was selling. I think it was a really slow night for him. On a whim, I got up and bought myself 2 roses, and he ended up giving me a 3rd one for free. I had no idea what to do with them, until I remembered that I am going to my favorite church this Saturday. I'll definitely be dropping them off there instead of letting them die in my house.

TOP 5 LESSONS OF 2004

5) The world is made of all sorts of people. Some them are good. Some of them are bad. The most dangerous of all is the wolf disguised in sheep's clothing.
4) A woman doesn't need to have a man to be happy.
3) Never put off for tomorrow what needs to be done today.
2) Nothing is ever worth giving up all for the sake of building a successful career.
1) Money never guarantees happiness.

It's All Final

Yup. It's pretty final now. My new official job title will be Customer Financial Services Trainer. I'm already supposed to start on January 3, but I haven't finished my paperwork yet. I'll have to ask my new employers tomorrow about that.

Hmmm....I wonder where this new path will take me. We'll see.

Post-Christmas Thoughts

I'm glad Christmas is finally over. No more traffic jams. No more crowds in the malls. No more mad rush to buy gifts. Life can finally go back to normal.

Every year it becomes harder to find that Christmas feeling. Is it because I am becoming more jaded about life? I've been on vacation for about 4 months now and it has done wonders for me emotionally. However, that feeling of tiredness hasn't really gone away completely. It's like life is becoming a series of duties and responsibilities that one has to fulfill. That is why I've been spending most of my life being a nomad. I don't like to feel trapped or to be bound to anyone or anything.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with some friends abut marriage and career. I don't want to marry because I'm afraid of being lulled into a false sense of security by the stability that marriage offers. I don't want to have to worry about anyone when I decide to take off on one of my whimsical trips. Even if they say that I marry a truly liberal or open-minded guy, will I be ever able to make decisions without having to consider the other person in the equation? Should I finally decide to go to graduate school abroad, then I would have to think of relocation arrangements not only for myself, but for another person. I'm also afraid of growing old. All of my friends who are unmarried look at least 10 years younger than their real age. They said that unmarried people look younger because they have no worries and it could be a form of selfishness. I'd have to disagree with that argument because some single people can dedicate the rest of their lives to a noble cause without having to be worried about the boring details of everyday married life.

I have so many dreams and I feel I have so little time. I was not born to walk on a single path. Just because I like to keep moving, doesn't mean I don't have a sense of where I am going. I know exactly what I want. Whether fortunate or not, there are so many things I just feel I have to do with my life. Like I've always said, I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 40 and realize that there are some things I failed to do in my life. I feel so driven by my goals that I do not want to stop and wait for another person.

Arrrggghhhhhhhh......

Just when I thought that everything was set and that I was going to start working on January 3, another company called me yesterday. I had my first interview this morning. Initially, they were considering me for a training job, but after talking to me, they decided to consider me for another position. So they asked me to go to a second interview on Tuesday with the head of H.R. So now, everything is up in the air again!

We'll see what happens. Sometimes though, uncertainty can be really aggravating.

Can Someone Tell Me Why?

I can't believe all the coverage they gave the FPJ funeral. I also can't believe how hypocritical and opportunistic a lot of his supposed friends in the film industry and politics are. I can't believe that the government is going to give him recognition in order to become more popular with the masses. Doesn't anybody have principles anymore?

Honestly, can anyone name me one truly great and original Filipino film that he made? When I was growing up, my father was one of FPJ's biggest fans and he would line up to watch his films. I saw some of them and I ended up sleeping through all of them. Yet now, he is being canonized as one of the greatest figures in Philippine Cinema. I'm sorry if I really cannot relate. I watch a lot of Filipino movies and none of FPJ's films will be in my Top 10 Filipino Movies.

This is one moment in history that really convinces me to leave this country. There I said it. Thank God we have cable. At least I can watch other things on television. Thank God also that they didn't preempt the regular primetime schedule. I still got to watch Mulawin which I follow quite regularly these days. Hahahahahaha!

The Start of A New Life

Just this afternoon, I decided to accept a job offer. I'll be working as a Customer Care Skills Trainer for a specific department at 1 of the call centers. It's not exactly the way I want my career to go, but I also need to be practical. I can't forever be unemployed and dependent on my savings. At the same time though, I need to consider that I am not ready to handle an extremely high-stress job at the moment. So this decision seems to be a good compromise between my needs and my wants. At least I'll already be earning while I continue to build on my ultimate dreams.

I'll be starting my new job on January 3, 2005. It sounds just right because with the new year also comes a new job. As with everything in my life, I'll give this new career a shot. Who knows, it might turn out to be where I would be happy? As long as I don’t mess up my life again, then I think I'll be fine. Plus, with my gym membership, I'll be better equipped to handle my stress at the office. At least if I feel frustrated at any point, then I can just take it all out on the treadmill.

2046

If it's still showing in the cinema, I only have 3 words for you: "Go watch it!"

Yes, I am a die-hard Wong Kar-Wai fan.

Plus, Tony Leung Chiu Wai is the only Chinese actor I find attractive.

Gym Story

For about a week now, I've been going to the gym almost every day. I alternate between my cardio workout and my weight training. I can do that because the gym is very close to our house and they have a lot of other branches within the city. Anyway, last Monday I got my program from my trainer. They assigned me to work with this girl who was probably about 2 years younger than me. We had a very interesting conversation while I was on the bike.

Trainer: Ilang taon na po ba kayo?
Me: 26 na ako.
Trainer: Naku, akala ko mas bata pa kayo. Married na po ba kayo?
Me: Nooooooo!!!!!!
Trainer: Parang napakalakas ng reaksyon niyo sa tanong ko. Wala po ba kayong bf?
Me: Wala 'no!
Trainer: Bakit po? May itsura naman kayo?
Me: Ewan ko, Takot ata ang mga lalaki sa akin eh! Lalo na sa dati kong work, malabo talagang may makakalapit sa akin. Besides nawalan na ako ng time.
Trainer: Mukha nga.
Me: Anyway, sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, kung bibigyan ako ni God ng someone who will accept my as I am, then tatanggapin ko. Kung hindi naman, at peace na rin ako with the possibility na magiging old maid ako.
Trainer: Saan po ba kayo nag-aral?
Me: Ateneo.
Trainer: Kaya naman pala takot ang mga guys sa inyo eh! Ang taray naman pala ng school niyo!

Sigh……………

Dark Mood

I haven't written anything in my blog for the last week because I've been a little busy. I've been going through a lot of interviews and suddenly I find myself with 2 job offers. A 3rd one is in the pipeline, but I'm not sure when that will finally push through.

I can't say that I'm really excited with my career prospects at the moment. I don't know. Maybe I'm a little jaded or maybe a little impatient. I feel like I'm trapped in a situation where I can't go for my ultimate dream yet.

But I can't stay unemployed forever. Much as I would like to wait for my dream job, there are bills to pay and responsibilities to fulfill. At least I can say though that I am much saner at this point in my life and a lot more focused on what I want. The goal is, to save enough money and get out of the Philippines.

I thought that by coming back I would be happy. It turns out, this can't be my home anymore. It wasn't Singapore either, so I have not regrets about leaving that place. My 26th year will be another test of character. Gosh, who said growing up was easy?

The thing about me is that I don't depend on my family for anything. Yes, I do live with my sister, but it's on my terms. Ever since I got my first paycheck, I have never asked anything from her. I never even borrowed money from her even when I was dead broke. If she buys me things, it's her choice. I could take a year off and be a bum if I had parents who would support me. The thing is, I don't. Since 3rd year high school, my parents were no longer paying for my education. I was already on a scholarship. That's one major reason why we never had the traditional relationship. My parents couldn't force me to do anything because I was already independent at a young age.

Even with my current unemployed status, I am self-supporting. I would like to keep it that way. I don't know, maybe a week or 2 from now, my mind will be clearer. I'll be able to write a more upbeat post. Don't count on me right now though, I'm in one of my pretty dark mood swings.

Going Back To The Gym....

I'll be going back to the gym next week.:) A friend of a friend is passing to me her membership. Since she won't be able to finish her contract, she'll just pass it to me. Yeah it means an additional monthly expense, but I really do need the exercise now.:)

Motherhood

I don't have children and I don't intend to have any in the near future. I can't afford to raise one and I don't think I have the time to take care of one. But I have to admit, the motherhood instinct is already kicking in.

20-30 years ago, a girl my age would already probably be married and have 3 kids. But with today's fast-paced lifestyle and greater range of opportunities available to women, more and more girls are choosing to defer marriage for the sake of their career. A few years ago, I made my choice and I became totally obsessed with my career goals. I never noticed that I was missing out on something. That was until I turned 25.

Suddenly, I find myself staring at babies in the mall, wondering what it would be like to have one of those. These days, I ask myself what if I actually took that marriage proposal 3 years ago seriously and decided to spend the rest of my life with just one person? There are times when I wonder what if I opted for the simple life in the suburbs, instead of fighting it out in the dog-eat-dog environment of the corporate setting?

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any regrets about my life so far. What really triggered this whole train of questions is that I noticed that I seem to be really attached to my 3 pets. I worry about them constantly. I bring them to the vet for their check-ups, vaccinations and medical treatments. I often find myself buying toys for them on impulse. I worry about their diet and always check if they are healthy. I hug them all the time and run around the house chasing them because I know their favorite games. I bring one of them to the mall so we can walk in the park. Gosh, I even dream of buying them clothes they could wear. All of them have grown up to be the ultimate spoiled brats, but I have never loved them any less. Now imagine if they were human children instead of cats. What a scary thought!

How Many More Malls Do We Need?

If our economy is in such a terrible state, I really cannot understand why we have so many malls! Just this month, a new mall opened 10 minutes away from my house. Then this weekend, I went to Gateway, the new mall in Cubao.

Cubao has a special place in my mind. I spent most of my growing up years there, so no matter how seedy it got, I never felt out of place. I know my way around the area pretty well and am not afraid to go there on my own. It's where I learned to become street smart and I have a lot of fond childhood shopping memories.

Imagine all my memories getting jarred this weekend. Going to Gateway was a surreal experience for me. The mall feels so out of place in the landscape of Cubao. All these expensive brand name shops were there, including Mango, Marks and Spencer, Nine West, etc. Ironically, about 2 minutes away from the Gateway Mall is Farmers Plaza, which is like a haven for bargain shops.

I feel totally uncomfortable in Gateway. There's something about it that doesn't feel right. Maybe the developers are hoping to make Cubao a more upscale location. I don't know what their plans are, but I definitely don't see myself spending my weekends there in the near future.

2 Movies

This week I managed to watch 2 new movies that opened: Bridget Jones Diary 2 and Pa-Siyam.

1) "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" continues from where the first one left off. Bridget is now happily settling into her relationship with Mark Darcy. Things get a little complicated though when she suspects him of having an affair with his colleague. The situation gets even murkier when Bridget ends up working with Daniel Cleaver again. With all of these things happening at the same time, will the ending "And they lived happily ever after." hold true for Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy?

Compared to the first one, this sequel is pretty flat. Nothing much happens and the story is pretty boring. This time watching Bridget make the best of disastrous situations is not even funny to watch. It can be even quite painful. I wasn't even a big fan of the first movie, so I already had low expectations for the sequel. Sadly, I really couldn't find any reason to fall in love with it.

2) "Pa-Siyam" was the new Filipino movie released this week. 5 siblings go home to their ancestral house in the province to attend to the wake of their mother. As dictated by tradition, they hold a 9-day vigil to pray for her soul. During that time though, many strange things happen in their house. Then they realize that their mother's soul is haunting them.

I liked this movie. The story is very simple and it didn't feel forced or artificial. It's not too literal like Feng Shui. (Note: I swear, when I saw that movie, I was really laughing the whole time!) The actors were pretty okay and no one went overboard. Although, sometimes I felt like I was watching a play instead of a movie. But maybe that was how they intended it to be. Hey, if it's a Filipino film that dares to be different, then I'm all for watching it.

Things I Promise To Myself

1) I will extend my vacation until the last month of the year. There's no point in rushing. Besides, this self-imposed retreat is working wonders on my psychological well-being.

2) If I find myself too pressured already with external forces regarding my next career move, then I will have to change my environment.

3) I will try not to worry too much about what tomorrow will bring. I've managed to stay sane so far considering all the internal conflict I have to deal with in my life.