My Violent Nature

I just miss the feeling of being in love with someone. There, I finally said it.

I met up with one of my friends this afternoon because she needed some company. She thought she had finally met the guy of her dreams, but she was kind of bummed out after he backed out on their date. After I gave her all the advice I thought she needed, we ended up talking about my non-existent love life and some sordid details of my past were brought up. She sort of told me that the last time I was drunk I was still talking about a certain person whose name we shall never mention in this blog. Yes, I do vaguely remember talking about him because I was semi-conscious at that time. She concluded that I really wasn't over this person because I keep all my feelings bottled up. She suggested that I talk about what I feel so that I will finally forget.

I don't want to talk about that. Besides whatever stuff I felt was so deep that I really do not have any way to express them except through uncontrolled rage and tears. If I really wanted to get rid of all that I feel, then I would have to be left in a room with him for 1 hour, so I can finally beat the crap out of him. The problem is I never got the chance to do so because I've always tried to control myself around him. The guy was so physically fragile that I could give him a bruise with just one punch. The last time I saw him I kicked him once and he cried. He went away from my sight whimpering and has lived in fear of me since then. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this like a reasonable person?

Actually, come to think of it, I would be the perfect candidate for an anger management class. I'm an extremely patient person, but the problem with me is that when I get mad, I'm really scary. I don't know how to handle anger properly. There was one time in college, I got really angry with 1 person and I ended up hitting the wall about 5 times. In another rare case when I got really mad with someone, I just stopped speaking to the person for 5 years. We're really good friends now, but it was only because he fought really hard for the friendship despite the fact that I also ended up punching him many times.

I will just bury all the memories like I have for the last 4 years. I lost all of the cards he gave me and threw away all of his ugly gifts. I only have 2 pictures of him left in my album. Maybe I should burn that already to erase him completely forever.

Corregidor

I'm really, really sleepy right now because I woke up at 5 AM yesterday. My sister and I decided to go to Corregidor purely on a whim. I discovered that if you only have 2 days to prepare for an out-of town trip and don't intend on driving anywhere, the best place to go would be Corregidor. It's a history lesson and a nature trip all rolled into 1.

To get to Corregidor, you just have to take a ferry from the CCP Ferry Terminal. We didn't even have reservations in our case. We just showed up before 7 AM and were the first in line once the cruise office opened. For a day-tour package which includes the following: 2-way ferry ride, buffet lunch, Malinta Tunnel Light Show and guided tour; you would spend roughly about 1600 pesos. One useful bit of information I found out from the tour flyers is that if you go on Monday or Wednesday, the whole package costs 50% less than it does on peak days. The ferry then leaves at 8 AM and you get to Corregidor 1 hour later.

Once you get to Corregidor, they already have tram buses waiting for you. The tour guides speak in either English or Japanese in order to tell the history of the island from the American side and the Japanese side. After everyone's settled down, you go around the island on the bus and visit various war ruins. We saw what little remained of the American structures and also various sites of gun batteries. If you get the more adventurous tour guide, he will even let you walk through various small tunnels on the island so you will have a better picture of what it was probably like to be a soldier in WWII.

One of the supposed highlights of the trip is the Malinta Tunnel light and sound show. It's an optional part of the journey but if you want to understand the historical significance of Corregidor in WWII, you might as well join the tour. The special effects aren't that great and the narration is a little tedious to listen to, but it's still the easiest way to learn about the island. One of the most important sites you will see during the trip is the Pacific War Memorial that commemorates the American war effort in the Asia-Pacific region. Personally, I preferred to wander among the ruins. There's an eerie feeling to them, but I was still drawn there.

At the time I went there, there weren't too many tourists. You have a lot of space to wander around and if you get the overnight package, you will have a lot of chances to go trekking on the marked trails. It's possible for you to get a lot of pretty nature shots depending on where you are on the island. There is no permanent civilian population, so all the original trees are still intact and in fact they are still planting new ones.

One thing I have to warn you about the place is that the food isn't great. Make sure you bring your own snacks in case you get hungry along the way. The tour bus though provides its own supplies, but it still costs more than regular prices.

I'm really not into Modern war history. In this century, you no longer need great generals and a real strategy to win a war. It now all boils down to which country has the best weapons and their efficiency in killing with just one shot. Everything's become so impersonal and this is especially reflected in military uniform. Nonetheless going to Corregidor, reminded me of how many people died all for the sake of their ideals. Whether you were fighting for the Americans or for the Japanese, they all believed in something. I'm glad that in one small corner of our country we still have a proper memorial for that so that future generations will not forget.

Alexander

Today I watched one of the most awaited films of the year- Alexander. The film's director was Oliver Stone, and Colin Farrell was the main actor. Initially, I wasn't looking forward to watching it because Oliver Stone is known for directing slow and difficult films. At the same time, I've never been a big fan of Colin Farrell. However, once the film started rolling, I found myself slowly seduced by the movie until my mind was transported to a different time and place altogether.

Alexander begins with the death of one of the greatest rulers history has ever known. Quickly, the movie moves forward 40 years later when Ptolemy, who now rules Alexandria (Egypt), decides to tell his story of Alexander to one of the scribes in the great library of Alexandria. He begins his story with Alexander's childhood in Macedonia, where he grows up in a world full of violence under the influence of his overbearing mother Olympias. What saves him from becoming a complete brainless barbarian is that he becomes one of the students of Aristotle. Later on, we see his rise to power upon the death of his father. The thing is, Alexander is not content with becoming a strong ruler in his own land. He begins to dream of ruling the entire known world. This drives him to invade Persia and many other smaller kingdoms along the way. His ambitions become his life's meaning and his military campaigns bring him as far as India. He braves all sort of disasters, both natural and man-made, all for the sake of finding the edge of the world. Who knows how much more land he would have conquered had he not suddenly died at the age of 32?

I loved a lot of things about the movie. The story was riveting and never dragged unnecessarily. The battle scenes were quite awesome, especially the one set in Gaugamel.I have to say though, it was still nothing compared to the Battle of Pellenor Fields in Return of the King, but it does come in a close second. Colin Farrell was a great choice to play this very complex character. He manages to make the myth a human being without losing the essence of what made him a legend in the first place. Forget that horrible movie Troy. I'm betting this is the one that will be nominated next year for the Oscars. I'm definitely watching this film again a few more times over the next 2 weeks and I'll probably get the original DVD when it's released next year.

In Between

As I was checking my mail at 1 AM, a friend of mine logged on to YM. We haven't seen each since graduation, but we had gotten in touch recently because of Friendster. Anyway, she ended up telling me all her current problems at 2 in the morning while we were chatting on YM. I just gave her some sensible advice on what to do about her current situation based on what I did when I was in the same spot.

Earlier that night, another friend called me up. He asked me to buy him a Spongebob necktie. We had been talking about this since last week and I kept on saying no. I ended up getting the tie for him, but we agreed that this was going to be his early Christmas present.

It's funny how sometimes my friends act like kids when they are with me. I don't mind it though and I don't resent them at all for that. I love most of them too much to ever get mad at them. Sometimes, I just find it ironic how an immature kid like me can manage being a grown up. I mean I still love collecting action figures. Yet at the same time at the back of my mind, I'm continuously preparing for the day when I can finally build my dream house. I used to party like there was no tomorrow, but I managed to hold on to a steady job for 4 years. I'm the youngest in my family, but I already bought a pension plan and a life plan. That means when I die no one will have to worry about the funeral expenses. You probably think I'm morbid and weird. I can’t help it if that's the way I think sometimes.

My ultimate dream in life is to have my own house with 12 cats, 2 labradors, and 2 children. If you're wondering about the husband, he's really just an optional feature. If I fall in love with a really great guy, then I'll marry him. If not, then it doesn't make a difference to me. After that, when I'm really old, my really close friends can come live with me if they have no other place to stay. You see I really have simple dreams in life. It's just that my ambition makes my life a little bit more complicated than it ought to be. That's who I am though and I'm learning to manage better these 2 different sides of me with each day that passes.

Movie Week

Last week, I watched 3 new Filipino films and the latest Jerry Bruckheimer production. Here are the short reviews of each movie.

1) Santa-Santita: This is the latest film directed by Laurice Guillen. It stars Angelica Panganiban and Jericho Rosales. Angelica (Malen) plays the daughter of Hilda Koronel, a woman whom you pay to pray for you at Quiapo Church. It tells the story of Angelica's character as she rebels against everything her mother believes in, falls in love with the shady character played by Jericho and her major transformation when later on realizes that God has given her the gift of healing. I did enjoy watching the movie because it was different from typical Tagalog films. They used a new film format that really made a difference in the way the images appeared on screen. My only complaint would be that the musical score tended to be a bit too loud at times.

2) BCUZ OF U: After watching Santa-Santita, I watched the latest movie from Star Cinema. I really didn't like it that much because the movie was just too mushy for my taste. Plus I really, really hate the song. It features people making goo-goo eyes at each other half the time and saying really trite lines that seemed to have been lifted out of romance novels. Of the 3 love teams featured, I have to say though that the one with Hero Angeles and Sandara Park stood out because they were so refreshing and light. It turned out to be the most enjoyable episode of the movie. I still have no idea though how a Korean girl would end up living in the slums beside the railtracks.

3) Minsan Pa: I've always admired Jeffrey Jeturian's movies. He could work on a really tight budget and a light story, but he'll still come up with a film worth watching. So I was really looking forward to watching this film. The movie tells the story of a tour guide (played by Jomari Yllana) who meets and falls in love with a teacher from Manila (played by Ara Mina). The problem is that she is already engaged to another man. You can fill in the blanks as to what happens next, but there are some twists in the story. The premise itself was interesting enough and the underwater shots looked really gorgeous, but I think the lead characters were really weak. Nothing much happens in the movie since it tries to show the everyday life of a middle class family in Cebu. For something like this to work though, you would need actors who can portray a wide range of emotions without having to say anything. It was a quality I did not see at all in either Ara Mina or Jomari Yllana. Too bad. I'd still recommend that you watch it though because it also tries to be different from the typical Tagalog movie.

4) National Treasure: This was the last film I watched last week. I don't want to write a long review about it because it is really is a rip-off of another film which I really loved- Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.

Dealing With Stuff

This morning one of the closest friends of an ex called me. We had been sort of in touch via email when I was in Singapore and she just wanted to catch up with me now that I was back. We had not seen each other for a long time since the break-up but she was one of the people who I really got along with. She sort of missed me too because she knew I was a good person.

They never really heard my side of the story. I didn't really want to tell them because they were his friends and I wanted to respect his space. It's been a long time now so we sort of ended up talking about him. She always wondered why we really broke up. On my side, my reason for leaving was that I couldn't stand the arguments and the lies anymore. We were always fighting about my job, my late night-outs, my drinking and my friends. I also really never understood why he was always trying to court other girls despite the fact that we were together at that time. One time, I even caught him in Starbucks Katipunan on a date with another girl.

It was at that point when she told me what he had been telling them for the last few years as to why we broke up. He said, when he proposed to marry me before, he was really serious and when I said no because I wanted to focus on building a career first, he was genuinely heartbroken. He then felt that the relationship no longer had a point and didn't feel like going on. He had already been making plans of quitting his job, taking care of the kids and running a small business while I worked. He felt that single word from me completely shattered his world. That's why he started cheating on me.

It took me some time to process this information because we never really talked about it before. My reasons for leaving were clear but I didn't know his story behind it. Who knew how one word would have the powerful ramifications in both our lives and completely change the course of my own life? I didn't.

First there was anger on my part because I thought he was such an idiot. I only said "No." because I didn't want to marry him at that age. But I had every intention of marrying him at 28. I needed to build my career first, see the world, take up my Masters, and then finally settle down. Then at one point I felt sadness because I had no idea how much I had hurt him. All the while, I was so focused on my own pain that I didn't pause to think that maybe this other person was also hurt by what I did.

Eventually, I'm at that point where I am beginning to accept things as they are. It really wasn't meant to be. He's found someone else and he's happy with her. I've achieved my dreams just as I said I would and I'm beginning to build new ones now.

She asked me if there was still a possibility of us becoming friends. He'd like to open up the doors but he's really afraid that I would beat the crap out of him again. I just said, "I'd really rather not at this point in my life." There's too much excess baggage on both our parts. Plus, why mess up a good arrangement? Besides, things are where they are meant to be right now, I don't want to be a cause of disorder again.

LOST

That's how I would sum up how I've felt in the last few days.

There's this typical scene in a movie where the lead character stands alone in an empty city. He or she has no idea where to go. I sort of feel like that anonymous character right now.

I don't know. I came back a few months ago and then today I realized that maybe this really isn't the country for me anymore. Not that I think Singapore is a better option. I absolutely hated the place. I tried my best to make it work, but I think it really wasn't for me.

Shit! The nomad in me has awakened again.

This time I'm planning to be out of this place by September 2005. I just want to spend one more birthday here then I need to be somewhere else. I need to be away from the Philippines by AT LEAST a 6-hour plane ride to be more specific.

Time to start preparing another exit plan....

Belated Happy Birthday Post to a Friend

Last Friday, we celebrated Cecil's birthday at her house. The food was great and there was a lot of beer and other alcoholic beverages that were served. Unfortunately, I sort of lost count of how much I drank so I ended up unconscious again. Although, I vaguely remember that somehow I did get home safely. (I owe you big time for that!)

I've never really written about her much in my blog, but yes I see her quite often among all my friends. I guess it's easier for us to meet since she works in Ortigas and I live in Makati. We've had many ups and downs in our friendship. I've had long arguments with her since we were in college because more often than not we don't have the same views on certain things. But despite all that, we have managed to stay friends through all these years because we've learned to accept each other as we really are. She's one of the people who knows me quite well (including my dark side). While I was in Singapore, she was one of the people I could call in case I was really drunk and needed to ramble again about some cute guy I met or cry about the guy I really missed. She really takes care of her friends and is very thoughtful about birthdays. I'll never forget the time you gave me a huge bouquet of roses for my 20th birthday. I actually brought that to one of my other Philo. classes and it made my classmates envious of me.

At this point in our life, I know exactly what my wish for you is. I wish you will find a nice, smart and good-looking guy who will respect your intelligence and love you with all his heart.

Always remember that no matter what happens, you will always have a friend in me.:)

Another therapy blog.....

It's 4 AM and as usual I can sleep. Out of the blue, a thought crossed my mind, "Is there anything I miss from my childhood?" I found it quite sad when I realized that I don't remember much about being a kid. I probably blocked out most of my memories because a lot of them were not very pleasant. But then, how come I don't even remember the time my mother and my sister took me to the zoo or the park? I have some memories of the various times I spent in the hospital, but other than that, I don't remember much.

I guess life for me really began when I was in High School. That's when I started to find out who I really was. I found people who could understand me and accept me without requiring me to conform to society's random standards. In first year, I was just a mediocre student who never stood out from the crowd. In second year, my teachers discovered I could write. It was then that a lot of people began pushing me to develop that particular talent. That gave me the confidence to think that I was meant to do something with my life other than just coasting along aimlessly. So in third year, I decided to join the school paper. I saved all the copies of all the stuff I wrote back then and when I read them recently, I found myself laughing. I was a terrible writer, but at least I never took myself so seriously anyway. Too bad I never got a copy of our High School yearbook. I edited half of the stuff written there.

Other than all the work I did for the school paper. I also remember the lunch breaks I used to spend with my High School barkada. We would just sit there and try to catch up on our assignments then out of the blue, we would find ourselves laughing our hearts out! We just had this weird sense of humor and our own world that not everyone could relate to. By fourth year, we had so much responsibilities with our different organizations, having lunch together would become a luxury. But that never really changed the bond we had.

Sometimes I also remember the high school dances my barkada and I went to. We had so many misadventures with guys that it is still a constant source of laughter when we talk about it during our annual get-together. We would sometimes play practical jokes on the guys we knew and they would get really mad at us afterwards. But in the end, they would forgive us and remain our friends. We were such good girls then that none of us really had a boyfriend at that time or got into any sort of trouble in school.

College turned out to be really interesting. I enrolled in Philosophy based on gut feel. I had no specific goals in mind. All I knew was that I was just interested in the subject matter. I completely forgot about any writing ambitions I had and accidentally ended up becoming an athlete. That was just soooo far out and weird. It made my life really fun though.

College was so important for me because that's when I learned to go for my goals without any hesitation. I followed my heart all the time regardless of the consequences. I finished my course even though everyone thought it was useless. I joined a church choir even if I didn't have a great singing voice. I represented my school in tournaments even if I had really weak lungs.

Occasionally, I still visit my former school. I find myself reminiscing about the days I would eat the same thing for lunch every single day- inihaw pork chop, rice, langka with coconut milk and Coke. At that time, I could get all of that for about P/ 45. I also fondly remember the times I would go cloud watching with my friends. We'd just lie in the middle of the Ateneo field and look up at the sky. Since Quezon City is so polluted, we never saw stars. So we would just look at the clouds and imagine what kind of things we were seeing. It's probably the dorkiest and stupidest thing anyone could do in college, but hey, those were the nights I found most peaceful.

My working life has been a roller coaster ride. I found myself at the worst time of life there and also experienced extreme heights in my career I never expected to reach. If there should be one time of my life I would like to erase, it would probably the ages between 22-23. I hated that time. Within the same month, I lost my boyfriend and my Mom became seriously ill. I became drunk half of the time. I had a series of rebound relationships with the worst sort of guys. Plus I completely messed up my finances. Probably the stupidest thing I ever did was to jeopardize my career by falling in love with a good-for-nothing colleague.

Thank God I managed to crawl out of the hole I dug myself into. My career skyrocketed when I turned 24. But then, if you've read my earlier posts, you know that I burned out at 25. Everything was just going too fast, I finally decided to pull the breaks and just give myself room to breathe.

Do I miss anything from my previous career? Not much. I spent most of my life in the office. I was on call 24/7, during my holidays, during my sick leaves and even when a parent was already dying. I changed my character in order to suit someone else's requirements. Plus, I basically had to forget that I had any principles. This post clearly does reflect any love for my old life.

I can tell you now that's it not easy beginning a new life. It's hard to find out who you really are and what you are meant to be if you find yourself buried in a lot of mud. It was a difficult process of trying to pull myself out of depression and rediscovering the old version of me after a lot of bad things happened in the last year.

I think I'm almost 3/4 into that journey of finding my old happy self. The first big step I made was when I realized that what would make me happy was already right in front of me. I mistakenly thought that finally having money would make me happy. I was dead wrong. I used to think being single is really scary until I realized that compromising is an even more fucked-up state of being. Most important of all, I'm beginning to dream again of the life I originally wanted 5 years ago. It's going to take me sometime to get there, but I'll get there no matter what obstacles come along the way.

The Week That Was....

Kerry lost the US elections. Apparently Bush won because of the "moral" voting block. The Midwest in general was afraid of Kerry because of his stand on gay marriages, stem-cell research and abortion. On the other hand, Bush has waged unnecessary wars all over the world, alienated most of the global community with his "America is King!" attitude and has been unable to make a coherent stand on any progressive issues. Before you start defending his fight on terrorism, consider this: New York, which was the site of 9-11, voted overwhelmingly in favor of Kerry. I really shouldn't give a damn about the US because it is not my country. However, this just means I won't be visiting the States in the next 4 years.

Last Wednesday night, I went out drinking with one of my friends. I just tagged along with him and his own set of friends. As usual, I was the only girl (biologically speaking) in the group. At around 2 AM, they saw one of their acquaintances and he approached our table. He looked exactly like my 2nd ex-boyfriend if my 2nd ex-boyfriend did turn out to be gay. Having had too much beer again at that time, it was a pretty distressing sight for me (especially since I have been in denial for the last 4 years or so). Thank God, we left the bar soon after…

On Thursday, I got an invitation from my ex-boss to attend a dinner with him and my ex-officemates. Of course I found it also quite disturbing considering that I have just finished going through therapy regarding this issue in my life. I am absolutely 100 % determined to start over in a different industry and a different career. Seeing all them so soon after leaving is not going to help me in my discernment process. I have nothing against them and I have already let go of my negative emotions. However, keeping my distance will be the most helpful decision for me in order to maintain my sense of well-being.

Last Friday, I attended a prayer session with my religious group for the first time since I came home to Manila. In the middle of the whole thing, I realized I missed this part of my life. In Singapore, I never went to church because I never felt a joy in my heart whenever I would attend mass there. Here, people are a lot more expressive with their faith and the mass songs are much nicer. Anyway, I found out another annoying factoid about Singapore. In that country, being a Catholic is considered part of the "must have" status symbols. I guess that's why I never felt comfortable going to church there.

Last Saturday, I finally got to watch "The Incredibles". It's the latest animated feature from Disney-Pixar. I thought the movie had an excellent story and really cool characters. Both kids and adults would be able to relate with it. Make sure you go out and watch it!

Minor Rants....

Lately, I've been having conversations with some single friends of mine who seem to view their being single as a "problem" or even worse a "curse". Maybe when I was in my early 20's, it was really such a big deal with me that I didn't have a boyfriend. However, the older I get, being single is becoming the most appealing state of life for me.

I guess it's a common phenomenon that the more you get to know yourself better, the more you realize you don't need anyone to give your life meaning. The more you experience being completely independent, the less likely it becomes for you to want to give up your freedom. Plus, the more mature you become, the less likely you will be patient with the typical straight guy's insecurities. There are much more important things to do in life than to feed 1 man's ego.

5 Things I Will Never Do in My Life for a Relationship:

(Note: Items # 1-4 are things I've already done in my early 20's and strongly hope never to repeat again. Item # 5 is something I absolutely have no intention of getting into.)

1) Give up something I am passionate about in order to make my relationship work.
2) Subvert my true character in order to keep a guy happy.
3) Settle for some dork just because he's convenient or available.
4) Pretend to be happy even if deep inside, I really just want to kill him already.
5) Marry some stupid insecure weenie guy who's probably just going to cheat on me the first chance he gets.

5 Characteristics That Will Make Me Date A Guy:

1) He's really funny.
2) He's really smart.
3) He's decent-looking without being gay.
4) He's nice.
5) He's secure with himself and doesn't feel a great need to be better than me.

5 Reasons Why I Refuse to Date Anyone At This Point in My Life:

1) I'm currently unemployed. Therefore, I need to focus my energies on finding a career track that will make me happy.
2) I have no intentions of staying in the Philippines forever. I plan to move again someday and would definitely like to avoid any potential complications.
3) I easily get bored with men these days.
4) I don't like the idea of someone asking me questions like where I am, who I'm with or what time I'm going home.
5) I just haven't met any guy with whom I have any chemistry with.

Matt-boy

I probably had the happiest Sunday in my life ever this weekend! I spent an afternoon in the mall with my pet cat Matthias.

1 month after he was neutered, my sister and I decided to see to if it would be possible to walk him in a park. We bought him a pet harness last week so we've been training him to walk on a leash. Then yesterday, we put him in his pet carrier, hailed a taxi and went to Makati. First we went to Paseo Center. Unfortunately, since this weekend is a major holiday, that place was completely closed. So we crossed over and tried to make him walk near the park behind the Makati Stock Exchange. However, I think the cars passing by made him a little nervous he preferred to be carried. After 30 minutes of trying to let him walk, it was clear he wasn't interested to so we decided to go to Greenbelt 2. We sat outside of Bizu and had dessert while letting Matt-boy explore the plants. After finishing the cake, my sister and I decided to walk in Greenbelt Park and let Matt-boy run on the grass. He was sort of wary of the place because there were so many people around, but I think all in all he had fun. At 5 PM, we had an appointment so had to walk over to Max Brenner. Matt-boy being the spoiled brat like all my cats are, he demanded to be carried. I guess for the first time in my life, I understood how mothers feel when they carry their child around. They would always think their child is the prettiest human being ever born. Every time someone would point out and say how big my cat was, I would be really proud. Plus, I didn't care whether people thought I was crazy or not carrying a cat around the mall area.

We ended the day by having early dinner at Max Brenner. He just sat on my lap peacefully while we watched people and cars pass by. I even ran into an ex-colleague of mine and he remarked how touching the sight was of me taking care of my cat, especially when he found out that Matt-boy is really a cat I just picked off from the street. Anyway, this isn't the last time I'll be taking Matt-boy out for a walk. Maybe 2 weeks from now, we'll bring him to Eastwood.